Antony and Cleopatra

Play me some music. Music feeds the melancholy moods of us lovers.

Musicians, come in!

Never mind. Let’s play billiards. Play with me, Charmian.

My arm is sore. You’ll have a better game with Mardian.

Playing with a eunuch is the same as playing with a woman. Will you play with me, sir?

I’ll do my best, madam.

When a person tries in good faith, even if he fails he cannot be blamed. I don’t want to play now. Give me my fishing rod. We’ll go to the river. With my music playing in the background, I’ll lure fish. My hook will go through their slimy jaws and as I pull them up I’ll imagine each one is Antony. I’ll say, “Aha! I caught you!”

It was funny when you and Antony bet on who could catch the first fish. You had a diver put a salted fish on his hook. He was so excited as he hurried to pull it in!

That time? Oh, there were so many fun times. I would play some trick on him and laugh until he lost his patience. Then, that night, I would laugh with him while we made love until he was patient again. Then by nine in the morning I would have him so drunk I could dress him in my clothes while I wore the sword he used at the famous battle of Philippi.

Oh! News from Italy! Cram your good news into my ears. It’s been so long since I’ve heard from him.

Madam, madam—

Antony’s dead! If you say that, you bastard, you’ll kill your Queen. If you say he’s healthy and free, I’ll give you money and you may kiss my hand. Kings have trembled to kiss this hand.

Let me say first, madam, that he is well.

Well then, here’s more money for you. But you know, sirrah, we customarily say that the dead are well. If that’s what you mean, I’ll melt this gold and pour it down your throat that speaks these hateful words.

Good madam, let me speak.

All right, I will. But you don’t look as if you bring good news. If Antony is free and healthy, you shouldn’t wear such a sour face while bringing such good news. If he’s not well, you should arrive like a Fury with snakes for hair, not in the shape of a normal man.

Do you want to hear my news?

I have half a mind to hit you before you speak again. But if Antony is alive, healthy, friendly with Caesar, and not Caesar’s prisoner, I’ll shower you with gold and pearls.

Madam, he’s well.

That’s well spoken.

And he’s friendly with Caesar.

You are an honest man.

Caesar and he are better friends than ever.

I’m going to make you a rich man.

But yet, madam—

I don’t like the sound of “but yet.” It reverses all the good that came before it. Damn those words, “but yet!” “But yet” is like a jailer about to bring out some horrible criminal. Please, my friend, give me all the news, both good and bad, at the same time. You say he’s friendly with Caesar, healthy, and free.

I didn’t say free, madam. No, I didn’t say that. He’s bound to Octavia.

For what favor?

For the favor of sleeping in her bed.

I’m sick, Charmian.

He’s married to Octavia, madam.

May you die of the worst disease!

Good madam, be patient.

What did you say to me?

Get out, you horrible bastard, or I’ll gouge out your eyes. I’ll scalp you.

I’ll have you whipped with wire and soaked in brine like a pickle, making your pain linger.

Gracious madam, I only brought the news. I didn’t make the match.

If you say it isn’t true, I’ll give you a province and make you rich. The blows I gave you already will make up for your upsetting me. And on top of that I’ll give you whatever you ask for.

He’s married, madam.

Rogue, you’ve lived too long!

No way, then, I’ll run. What’s the matter with you, madam? I haven’t done anything to you.

Good madam, restrain yourself. The man hasn’t done anything wrong.

Even innocents cannot always escape disaster. May Egypt drown in the Nile and all good creatures turn into poisonous snakes. Call that servant back. Even though I’m mad, I won’t bite him. Call him!

He’s afraid to come in.

I won’t hurt him. My hands are tainted if they hit an inferior, especially since I myself am the cause of my own distress.

Come here, sir. It may be honest, but it’s never wise to bring bad news. You can give good news in many ways, but let bad news interpret itself as you tell it.

I’ve only done my duty.

Is he married? I can’t hate you any more than I already do if you repeat that he is.

He’s married, madam.

May the gods destroy you! Do you maintain the same story?

Do you want me to lie, madam?

Oh, I wish you had lied, even if it meant half my kingdom would be submerged and filled with snakes. Go, get out! Even if you were as handsome as Narcissus, your face would be ugly to me. Is he really married?

I beg your highness’ pardon.

Is he really married?

Please don’t be offended that I don’t want to offend you any more. It’s not fair to punish me for something you make me do. He’s married to Octavia.

It’s too bad that Antony’s fault should make you look like a jerk. You didn’t have anything to do with it. Go away. The merchandise you bring from Rome is too expensive for me. Let it stay in your inventory until it bankrupts you.

Be patient, your highness.

When I have praised Antony, I’ve disparaged Caesar.

Many times, madam.

I’m being repaid for that now. Help me out of here. I feel faint. Oh, Iras, Charmian! It doesn’t matter. Good Alexas, go ask that fellow to describe Octavia. How old is she? What kind of disposition does she have? Don’t let him leave out the color of her hair. Bring me his answers quickly.

Let Antony be purged from my life forever—but no, don’t let him, Charmian. Even though half of him is like a Gorgon, the other half is like Mars. (to MARDIAN) Ask Alexas to also ask him how tall she is. Feel sorry for me, Charmian, but don’t talk to me. Help me get to my bedroom.