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Enter PRINCE HENRY, POINS, BARDOLPH, and PETO |
PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH enter. |
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POINS
Come, shelter, shelter! I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet. |
POINS
Come on, hide, hide! I stole Falstaff’s horse, and he’s rubbed the wrong way; he’s fraying like cheap velvet. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Stand close. |
PRINCE HENRY
Stay hidden. |
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Exit POINS, BARDOLPH, and PETO exit |
POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH exit. |
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Enter FALSTAFF |
FALSTAFF enters. |
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FALSTAFF
Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins! |
FALSTAFF
Poins! Poins, damn you! Poins! |
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PRINCE HENRY
Peace, you fat-kidneyed rascal. What a brawling dost thou keep! |
PRINCE HENRY
Quiet, you fat-bellied jerk! What a racket you’re making! |
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FALSTAFF
Where’s Poins, Hal? |
FALSTAFF
Where’s Poins, Hal? |
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PRINCE HENRY
He is walked up to the top of the hill. I’ll go seek him. |
PRINCE HENRY
He walked up the hill. I’ll go find him. |
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Exit PRINCE HENRY |
PRINCE HENRY exits. |
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FALSTAFF
I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company. The rascal hath removed my horse and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the square further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I ’scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time this two-and-twenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the rogue’s company. If the rascal hath not given me medicines to make me love him, I’ll be hanged. It could not be else: I have drunk medicines.— Poins! Hal! A plague upon you both.—Bardolph! Peto!— I’ll starve ere I’ll rob a foot further. An ’twere not as good a deed as drink to turn true man and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me, and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough. A plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another! |
FALSTAFF
I got a raw deal, to be out robbing with him. He stole my horse and tied him up someplace. If I have to walk even four feet more, I’ll be totally out of breath. Still, I bet I’ll die a natural death—if I don’t get hanged for killing that jerk, that is. Every hour for the past twenty-two years, I’ve sworn I’d never talk to him again, but I love his company. He must have slipped me a love potion that makes me adore him. Damn, that must be it: I have drunk love potions. Poins! Hal! Drop dead, the both of you! Bardolph! Peto! I’ll die if I have to walk another foot. If turning honest and abandoning these jerks weren’t the best things I could possibly do for myself, then I’m the worst scoundrel that ever lived. Eight yards of rough road is like seventy miles to me, and these hard-hearted crooks know it. It stinks when there’s no honor among thieves. |
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They whistle. |
They whistle from offstage. |
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Whew! |
Whew! |
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Enter PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH |
PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPHenter. |
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A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues. Give me my horse and be hanged! |
The hell with you all! Give me my horse, you deadbeats. Give me my horse and the hell with you! |
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PRINCE HENRY
Peace, you fat guts! Lie down, lay thine ear close to the ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travelers. |
PRINCE HENRY
Shut up, fatso! Lie down, put your ear to the ground, and listen for the footsteps of travelers. |
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FALSTAFF
Have you any levers to lift me up again being down? ’Sblood, I’ll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot again for all the coin in thy father’s Exchequer. What a plague mean you to colt me thus? |
FALSTAFF
Do you have a crane to lift me up again once I’m down? Damn, I wouldn’t walk my fat self this far again for all the money in your father’s treasury. What are you doing horsing around with me like this? |
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PRINCE HENRY
Thou liest. Thou art not colted; thou art uncolted. |
PRINCE HENRY
You’re lying. We can’t horse around, because you don’t have a horse. |
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FALSTAFF
I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king’s son. |
FALSTAFF
Please, my good Hal, help me find my horse, you good king’s son. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Out, you rogue! Shall I be your ostler? |
PRINCE HENRY
Later with that! You want me to be your stable boy? |
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FALSTAFF
Hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be ta’en, I’ll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison—when a jest is so forward, and afoot too! I hate it. |
FALSTAFF
Go drop dead in your own heir-apparent pants. If I’m arrested, I’ll rat you out, too. If I don’t get them singing dirty songs in the street about you all, let me be poisoned to death with booze. I hate it when a practical joke gets so out of hand—and with me out of a horse, too! |
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Enter GADSHILL |
GADSHILL enters. |
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GADSHILL
Stand. |
GADSHILL
Freeze! |
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FALSTAFF
So I do, against my will. |
FALSTAFF
I am, and I don’t like it. |
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POINS
O, ’tis our setter. I know his voice, Bardolph. —What news? |
POINS
Oh, that’s the man who planned the whole thing; I recognize his voice, Bardolph.— What’s going on? |
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GADSHILL
Case you, case you. On with your vizards. There’s money of the King’s coming down the hill. ’Tis going to the King’s Exchequer. |
GADSHILL
Cover your faces, cover your faces. Get your masks on. There’s tax money coming down the hill, on its way to the King’s treasury. |
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FALSTAFF
You lie, you rogue. ’Tis going to the King’s Tavern. |
FALSTAFF
That’s a lie, you clown. It’s on its way to the king’s bank. |
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GADSHILL
There’s enough to make us all. |
GADSHILL
There’s enough to make us all rich. |
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FALSTAFF
To be hanged. |
FALSTAFF
Or to get us all hanged. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will walk lower. If they ’scape from your encounter, then they light on us. |
PRINCE HENRY
Listen, you four confront them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will wait further down. If they get away from you, they’ll run right into us. |
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PETO
How many be there of them? |
PETO
How many of them are there? |
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GADSHILL
Some eight or ten. |
GADSHILL
About eight or ten. |
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FALSTAFF
Zounds, will they not rob us? |
FALSTAFF
Damn! Won’t they rob us? |
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PRINCE HENRY
What, a coward, Sir John Paunch? |
PRINCE HENRY
What, are you a coward, Sir John Fatstuff? |
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FALSTAFF
Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but yet no coward, Hal. |
FALSTAFF
Well, I’m certainly not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but I’m no coward, Hal. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Well, we leave that to the proof. |
PRINCE HENRY
Well, we’ll see about that. |
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POINS
Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge. When thou needest him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand fast. |
POINS
Jack, sirrah, your horse is there behind the hedge. When you need him, that’s where you’ll find him. So long, and be brave. |
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FALSTAFF
Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged. |
FALSTAFF
I can’t hit him. I’d be hanged. |
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PRINCE HENRY
(aside to POINS) Ned, where are our disguises? |
PRINCE HENRY
(to POINS, so others cannot hear) Ned, where are our disguises? |
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POINS
(aside to PRINCE HENRY) Here, hard by. Stand close. |
POINS
(to PRINCE HENRY) They’re here, close by. Now hide. |
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Exeunt PRINCE HENRY and POINS |
PRINCE HENRY and POINS exit. |
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FALSTAFF
Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I. Every man to his business. |
FALSTAFF
Now, men, here’s to happy endings. Every man to his station. |
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Enter the TRAVELERS |
The TRAVELERS enter. |
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FIRST TRAVELER
Come, neighbor, the boy shall lead our horses down the hill. We’ll walk afoot awhile and ease our legs. |
FIRST TRAVELER
Come on, friend. The boy will lead our horses down the hill while we walk a bit and stretch our legs. |
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THIEVES
Stand! |
THIEVES
Freeze! |
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TRAVELERS
Jesus bless us! |
TRAVELERS
Jesus bless us! |
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FALSTAFF
Strike! Down with them! Cut the villains’ throats! Ah, whoreson caterpillars, bacon-fed knaves, they hate us youth. Down with them! Fleece them! |
FALSTAFF
Hit them! Down with them! Cut their throats! Yahhhhh! No-good bloodsuckers! Overfed morons! They hate young people like us. Down with them! Rob them blind! |
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TRAVELERS
O, we are undone, both we and ours forever! |
TRAVELERS
Oh! We’re done for! |
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FALSTAFF
Hang, you gorbellied knaves! Are you undone? No, you fat chuffs. I would your store were here. On, bacons, on! What, you knaves, young men must live. You are grandjurors, are you? We’ll jure you, faith. |
FALSTAFF
Damn it, you potbellied morons, are you finished? No, you fat misers. I wish everything you owned were here. Come on, pigs, come on! What, you idiots! Young men have to survive. You’re Grand Jurors, aren’t you? Well here’s some justice for you! |
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Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt |
The thieves rob the travelers and tie them up. They all exit. |
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Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS |
PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter. |
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PRINCE HENRY
The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest forever. |
PRINCE HENRY
The thieves have tied up the honest men. If you and I can now rob the robbers and run laughing to London, we would talk about it for a week, laugh about it for a month, and it would be a hilarious story forever. |
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POINS
Stand close, I hear them coming. |
POINS
Get down. I hear them coming. |
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PRINCE HENRY and POINS hide. Enter the thieves again |
PRINCE HENRY and POINS hide. The THIEVES return. |
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FALSTAFF
Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the Prince and Poins be not two arrant cowards, there’s no equity stirring. There’s no more valor in that Poins than in a wild duck. |
FALSTAFF
Come on, boys, let’s divide up the spoils and then ride off before dawn. If the Prince and Poins aren’t cowards, there’s no justice in the universe. Poins is about as brave as a duck. |
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As they are sharing, PRINCE HENRY and POINS set upon them. |
As the thieves split the money, PRINCE HENRY and POINS attack them. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Your money! |
PRINCE HENRY
(in disguise) Give us your money! |
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POINS
Villains! |
POINS
(in disguise) Crooks! |
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They all run away, and FALSTAFF , after a blow or two, runs away too, leaving the booty behind them. |
The thieves all run away. FALSTAFF fights for a moment, then runs away as well, leaving all of the money behind. |
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PRINCE HENRY
Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse. The thieves are all scattered, and possessed with fear So strongly that they dare not meet each other. Each takes his fellow for an officer. Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death, And lards the lean earth as he walks along. Were ’t not for laughing, I should pity him. |
PRINCE HENRY
Too easy. Now we ride off happily. The thieves have scattered, and they’re so terrified that they don’t even want to run into each other—they’ll each think that the other guy is an officer! Let’s go, Ned. Falstaff is sweating so hard that he’s watering the ground as he walks along. If I weren’t laughing so hard, I’d actually feel sorry for him. |
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POINS
How the fat rogue roared! |
POINS
How loud that fat rogue screamed! |
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Exeunt |
They exit. |