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Henry IV, Part II

Act 2, Scene 4

Enter two DRAWERS	Two DRAWERS enter.
FRANCIS What the devil hast thou brought there—applejohns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an applejohn.	FRANCIS What the hell have you got there? Apple johns? You know Sir John can’t stand apple johns.
SECOND DRAWER Mass, thou sayest true. The Prince once set a dish of applejohns before him and told him there were five more Sir Johns and, putting off his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that.	SECOND DRAWER Damn, you’re right. One day the Prince put a plate of apple-johns in front of Falstaff and said, “Here are five more Sir Johns.” Then the Prince took off his hat and said, “I’m now going to bid farewell to these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered Sir John deeply, but he got over it.
FRANCIS Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music.	FRANCIS Well then, put the table cloth on and set the dish down. Go see if you can find Sneak’s band of musicians. Mistress Tearsheet wants to hear some music.
Enter THIRD DRAWER	Enter THIRD DRAWER
THIRD DRAWER Dispatch: the room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in straight.	THIRD DRAWER Hurry! The room they ate in was too hot, and they’ll be here any minute.
FRANCIS Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.	FRANCIS Sirrah, the Prince and Poins will be here soon. They’re going to put on a couple of our jackets and aprons. Sir John can’t know it’s them. Bardolph came and told me.
THIRD DRAWER By the Mass, here will be old utis. It will be an excellent stratagem.	THIRD DRAWER Well, there’s going to be hilarity here! What a great scheme!
SECOND DRAWER I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.	SECOND DRAWER I’ll see if I can find Sneak.
FRANCIS and THE DRAWERS exit	The DRAWERS exit.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET	MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET enter.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?” How do you now?	MISTRESS QUICKLY I swear, sweetheart, you seem to be in a great temporality. Your pulsidge is beating as strongly as you could want, and your color is as red as a rose; truly! But seriously, I do think you’ve drank too much of that sweet wine from the Canary Islands—it’s a mighty powerful drink, and it’ll get into your blood faster than you can say, “What’s this?” How are you feeling now?
DOLL TEARSHEET Better than I was. Hem.	DOLL TEARSHEET Better than I was before. (she coughs or belches)
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Well said! A healthy heart is worth its weight in gold. Look, here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF	FALSTAFF enters.
FALSTAFF (sings) When Arthur first in court—Empty the jordan. (sings) And was a worthy king—How now, Mistress Doll?	FALSTAFF (singing) “When Arthur first in court”—somebody empty the chamber pot! “And was a worthy king”—how are you, Mistress Doll?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.	MISTRESS QUICKLY She’s sick of a qualm, she is.
FALSTAFF So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm, they are sick.	FALSTAFF That’s how all the women in her profession are. As soon as they’re calm—and not in someone’s bed—they get sick.
DOLL TEARSHEET A pox damn you, muddy rascal. Is that all the comfort you give me?	DOLL TEARSHEET You stupid bastard. Is this how you make me feel better?
FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.	FALSTAFF You make fat bastards, Mistress Doll.
DOLL TEARSHEET I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.	DOLL TEARSHEET I make them fat? Gluttony and disease will make men fat; I have nothing to do with it.
FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.	FALSTAFF Well, cooks help create gluttony, by making and selling food—the object of gluttony. And you help create diseases, Doll. We catch them from you, Doll, we catch them from you: admit it.
DOLL TEARSHEET Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.	DOLL TEARSHEET Sure, sweetheart. You catch us by the chains and the jewels, and then you steal them from us.
FALSTAFF Your broaches, pearls, and ouches—for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged chambers bravely—	FALSTAFF “Your brooches, pearls, and gems”—We fight bravely and then come away limping. We retreat from the breach in the wall with our weapons bravely bent. We head off to the doctor, bravely. And then we charge into the loaded chambers again, bravely.
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!	DOLL TEARSHEET Drop dead, you filthy eel. Drop dead!
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts. You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! One must bear, and that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.	MISTRESS QUICKLY I swear, this is how it always is. You two even see each other without fighting. You’re as hot as dry toast, you can’t stand each other’s bad qualities. Good grief! But one of you has to bear the burden, and that’s you, Doll. You’re the weaker sex, the empty vessel.
DOLL TEARSHEET Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.— ome, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.	DOLL TEARSHEET Can a weak, empty vessel bear the burden of such a huge, full barrel? There’s a whole merchant’s stock of Bordeaux wine in him; you’ve never seen a ship with a fuller cargo hold. Come, Jack, I’ll be friends with you. You’re going off to war, and whether or not I ever see you again—well, who cares.
Enter FIRST DRAWER	The FIRST DRAWER enters.
FIRST DRAWER Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak with you.	FIRST DRAWER Sir, Ensign Pistol’s downstairs. He wants to talk with you.
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.	DOLL TEARSHEET Let him drop dead, that hot-tempered jerk! Don’t let him in: he’s got the foulest mouth in England.
MISTRESS QUICKLY If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.	MISTRESS QUICKLY If he’s going to make trouble, don’t let him in. No way; I have my neighbors to think about. I’ll have no troublemakers here. I’ve got my good reputation to watch out for. Shut the doors; no troublemakers are getting in here. I haven’t lived this long to have trouble now. Shut the doors, please.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess?	FALSTAFF Do you hear, hostess?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerers here.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Please, be quiet a second, Sir John. No troublemakers are coming in here.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.	FALSTAFF Didn’t you hear? It’s my ensign.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty t’ other day, and, as he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’ good faith— “Neighbour Quickly,” says he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—“Neighbour Quickly,” says he, “receive those that are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.” Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive. Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” There comes none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Oh fiddlesticks, Sir John, I don’t want to hear it. Your Ensign Troublemaker is not coming in here. I talked to Master Tisick, the deputy, the other day. And he said to me—it couldn’t have been longer ago than last Wednesday—“I swear, neighbor Quickly,” he said. (Master Dumbe, the minister, was here at the time.) “Neighbor Quickly,” he said, “only let in people who are well behaved, because,” he said, “your reputation is suffering.” He said that, and I’ll tell you why. “You’re an honest woman, and people think highly of you. So think about who you let in. Don’t let in,” he said, “any troublemakers.” And none are getting in. You’d be lucky if you heard what he said. No way, no troublemakers.
FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’ faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.—Call him up, drawer.	FALSTAFF He’s not a troublemaker, hostess. He’s a harmless cheater; you can pet him like a little puppy. He wouldn’t even start a fight with a guinea-hen, if her feathers stood up in annoyance. Get him up here, drawer.
Exit FIRST DRAWER	FIRST DRAWER exits.
MISTRESS QUICKLY “Cheater,” call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.	MISTRESS QUICKLY You call him a cheater? I won’t keep an honest man out of this bar, so I won’t keep a cheater out, either. But I don’t like troublemakers, I swear. I get sick when I hear the word, “troublemaker.” Feel, masters: I’m shaking. Look, I’m telling you.
DOLL TEARSHEET So you do, hostess.	DOLL TEARSHEET You are shaking.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.	MISTRESS QUICKLY I am?—I am! I swear, I’m shaking like a big tree leaf. I can’t stand troublemakers.
Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE	PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and the PAGE enter.
PISTOL God save you, Sir John.	PISTOL Good to see you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess.	FALSTAFF Welcome, Ensign Pistol. Here, Pistol. I charge you with a glass of wine. Now discharge on the hostess.
PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.	PISTOL I’ll unload two big bullets on her, Sir John.
FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly offend her.	FALSTAFF She’s Pistol-proof, sir. You’ll hardly be able to injure her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.	MISTRESS QUICKLY I won’t have any proofs or any bullets. I won’t drink any more than I feel like, not for any man.
PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.	PISTOL Then here’s to you, Mistress. Dorothy, I’ll charge you.
DOLL TEARSHEET Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.	DOLL TEARSHEET Charge me? Get lost, you sick jerk. What? You broke, rude, scheming, cheating, shirtless fool! Get away from me, you moldy bastard, away! I’m meant for your betters.
PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.	PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL TEARSHEET Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!	DOLL TEARSHEET Get away, you pickpocket rascal! You dirty thief, away! I swear on this wine, I’ll stick a knife in your rotten cheeks if you keep abusing me like this. Out, you boozy rascal! You imposter of a solider! Since when are you a soldier, I ask you? With two armor tags on your shoulder? I’m sure!
PISTOL God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.	PISTOL I’ll strangle your neck for that, or I’ll die trying.
FALSTAFF No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.	FALSTAFF Hold it, Pistol. I don’t want you to go off here. Discharge someplace else, Pistol.
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.	MISTRESS QUICKLY No, good Captain Pistol. Not here, sweet captain.
DOLL TEARSHEET Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to ’t.	DOLL TEARSHEET Captain? You horrible, damned liar, aren’t you ashamed to be called “captain”? If captains shared my opinions, they’d beat you for taking their rank without earning it. You, a captain? You bastard, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s clothes in a whorehouse? Him, a captain? Let him drop dead, the rogue! He lives off the moldy food you find in brothels. A captain? For God’s sake! Men like him will make the word “captain” as nasty as the word “occupy,” which was a fine word before it got corrupted. Captains had better watch out.
BARDOLPH Pray thee go down, good ancient.	BARDOLPH Please, calm down, good ensign.
FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.	FALSTAFF Listen here, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her.	PISTOL Not me. I’ll tell you what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll get revenge on her.
PAGE Pray thee go down.	PAGE Please, calm down!
PISTOL I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! Down, Fates! Have we not Hiren here?	PISTOL I’ll see her damned first. To the waters of hell, I swear, to the endless deep, with chaos and vile tortures. Hold onto that pole, I say. Down, down, dogs! Down, fates! Here’s my sword!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late, i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Captain Pisser, be quiet! It’s late. I beg of you, stop being angry!
PISTOL These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses And hollow pampered jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty mile a day, Compare with Caesars and with cannibals, and Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?	PISTOL Now we’re talking! Are we going to let old nags and pampered horses (who can’t manage more than a few miles a day) be compared with kings, and generals, and mythic heroes? No! Damn them to hell, and let the storms rage! Should we fight over nothing?
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.	MISTRESS QUICKLY My goodness, captain! Those are strong words!
BARDOLPH Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon.	BARDOLPH You should go now, ensign. This is going to get out of control in a minute.
PISTOL Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here?	PISTOL Let men die like dogs! Give away kings’ crowns like they’re nothing! Isn’t this a sword we have here?
MISTRESS QUICKLY O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good- year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake, be quiet.	MISTRESS QUICKLY My word of honor, captain, there’s no such thing here! For goodness sake! Do you think I’d say she’s not if she were? For God’s sake, be quiet!
PISTOL Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie thou there. (lays down his sword) Come we to full points here? And are etceteras nothing?	PISTOL Then eat and grow fat, my sweet lady! Come, bring me some wine. Si fortuna me tormente, sperato me contento. Are we scared of an attack? No! Let the devil open fire. Give me some wine, and darling, lie there. (he lays his sword down) Is the party over? What about the rest of it, the et ceteras?
FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.	FALSTAFF Pistol, I’d be quiet if I were you.
PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the seven stars.	PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss your fist. Look! It’s so late—we can see the Big Dipper out.
DOLL TEARSHEET For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.	DOLL TEARSHEET For God’s sake, throw him down the stairs. I can’t stand such a worthless jerk.
PISTOL “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway nags?	PISTOL Throw him down the stairs? Don’t we know a common prostitute when we see one?
FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak nothing, he shall be nothing here.	FALSTAFF Toss him down, Bardolph, like a coin on a game board. He does nothing but talk a bunch of nothing, so he’s going to count for nothing here.
BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.	BARDOLPH Come on. Get downstairs.
PISTOL What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? (snatches up his sword) Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwine the Sisters Three. Come, Atropos, I say.	PISTOL What? Is there going to be cutting now? Shall we be soaked in blood? (he grabs his sword) Then let death sing me a lullaby; let him end my melancholy days! Let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds unravel the thread of my life, spun by those three sisters of fate! Come, Atropos, cut off my thread!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here’s goodly stuff toward!	MISTRESS QUICKLY This ought to be good.
FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.	FALSTAFF Give me my sword, boy.
DOLL TEARSHEET I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.	DOLL TEARSHEET Please, Jack, please; don’t fight!
FALSTAFF Get you downstairs. (drawing and driving PISTO out)	FALSTAFF Get downstairs! (he draws his sword and chases PISTOL)
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.	MISTRESS QUICKLY This is going to be some fight! I would sooner close this bar than put up with terrors and fits. It’s murder, I swear! Oh my! Oh my! Put away your naked weapons! Put away your naked weapons!
Exeunt PISTOL pursued by BARDOLPH	PISTOL exits, pursued by BARDOLPH.
DOLL TEARSHEET I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you.	DOLL TEARSHEET Please, Jack, calm down; the jerk’s gone. Oh you son-of-a-bitch, brave little bastard, you!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Are you not hurt i’ the groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Did he hurt you in the groin? I thought he got in a good shot at your belly.
Enter BARDOLPH	BARDOLPH enters.
FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o’ doors?	FALSTAFF Did you kick him out of here?
BARDOLPH Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i’ the shoulder.	BARDOLPH Yup! The jerk’s drunk. You hurt his shoulder.
FALSTAFF A rascal to brave me!	FALSTAFF That jerk! How dare he challenge me!
DOLL TEARSHEET Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!	DOLL TEARSHEET Oh, you sweet little rogue, you! Oh my, you poor monkey, you’re sweating! Come, let me wipe your face. Come on, you fat bastard. Oh, you rogue! I swear, I love you. You’re as brave as Hector of Troy, you’re worth five Agamemnons, and you’re ten times better than the nine wonders of the world! Oh, you villain!
FALSTAFF Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.	FALSTAFF The no-good jerk! I’ll wrap the rogue in a blanket, the way they punish cowards.
DOLL TEARSHEET Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.	DOLL TEARSHEET Do it, if you dare. If you do, I’ll toss you between a pair of sheets!
Enter musicians	The musicians enter.
PAGE The music is come, sir.	PAGE The music is here, sir.
FALSTAFF Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.	FALSTAFF Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A no-good, bragging jerk! The fool ran from me like quicksilver.
DOLL TEARSHEET I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?	DOLL TEARSHEET Truly, and you chased him like a church—slowly. You rotten little fat roasting pig! When will you stop fighting all day and thrusting all night, and start to get your body ready for its final resting place?
Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised as drawers	Unseen, PRINCE HENRY and POINS enter, disguised as drawers.
FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head; do not bid me remember mine end.	FALSTAFF Quiet, Doll. Don’t talk like a death’s-head. Don’t make me think of my own end.
DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?	DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what’s the Prince like?
FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow, he would have made a good pantler; he would a’ chipped bread well.	FALSTAFF He’s a shallow youngster. He would have made a good pantry servant: he would have been great at trimming the crusts off bread.
DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins has a good wit.	DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins is smart.
FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s as thick as Tewksbury mustard. There’s no more conceit in him than is in a mallet.	FALSTAFF Him, smart? Hang him, he’s a baboon! He’s as thick as mustard, and no smarter than a sledgehammer.
DOLL TEARSHEET Why does the Prince love him so then?	DOLL TEARSHEET Then why does the Prince love him?
FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is such another. The weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.	FALSTAFF Because their legs are the same size, and he likes to play the game of quoits and eat fatty foods; and he’ll play drinking games, like dropping burning candle ends into his drinks. He plays on the see-saw with the boys, and pulls crazy stunts, and curses nicely. And his boots fit nice and smooth, just like the ones painted on the shoe store’s signs. And he doesn’t cause trouble by spilling secrets. He has all kinds of qualities associated with weak minds and healthy bodies, and that’s why the Prince keeps him around: because the Prince is exactly the same. There’s not a hair’s difference between the two of them.
PRINCE HENRY (to POINS) Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?	PRINCE HENRY (to POINS) We should cut this fatso’s ears off.
POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.	POINS Let’s beat him in front of his whore.
PRINCE HENRY Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.	PRINCE HENRY Look at that old geezer having his head scratched like a parrot.
POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?	POINS Isn’t it odd that desire lasts so much longer than the ability to perform?
FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.	FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’ almanac to that?	PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus must be aligned this year! What do you think the astrological tables have to say about that?
POINS And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be not lisping to his master’s old tables, his notebook, his counsel keeper.	POINS And look. That fiery-faced Bardolph is whispering sweet nothings to Quickly, his master’s old confidante.
FALSTAFF (to DOLL) Thou dost give me flattering busses.	FALSTAFF (to DOLL) You flatter me with your kisses.
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.	DOLL TEARSHEET I swear, my kisses are heartfelt.
FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.	FALSTAFF I’m old. I’m old.
DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.	DOLL TEARSHEET I love you more than I could love any ridiculous young man in the world.
FALSTAFF What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o’ Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone.	FALSTAFF What fabric do you want a new skirt made out of? I’ll get paid on Thursday, so you’ll get a new hat tomorrow. Let’s have a happy song. It’s getting late; let’s go to bed. You’ll forget me when I’m gone.
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou sayest so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end.	DOLL TEARSHEET I swear, you’ll make me cry if you talk like that. I won’t wear any beautiful clothing till you return. Well, we’ll see what happens.
FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.	FALSTAFF Some wine, Francis.
PRINCE HENRY AND POINS Anon, anon, sir.	PRINCE HENRY AND POINS Right away, sir!
Coming forward	PRINCE HENRY and POINS reveal themselves.
FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art not thou Poins his brother?	FALSTAFF What! A bastard son of the King? And aren’t you Poins, his brother?
PRINCE HENRY Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead?	PRINCE HENRY Your globe, covered with continents of sin! What kind of life are you leading?
FALSTAFF A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou art a drawer.	FALSTAFF A better life than you. I’m a gentleman and you’re just a drawer.
PRINCE HENRY Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.	PRINCE HENRY That’s right, sir. And I’m going to draw you out of this room by the ears.
MISTRESS QUICKLY O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! By my troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?	MISTRESS QUICKLY Oh, may God bless you, sir. I swear, welcome to London. God bless that sweet face of yours! Oh Jesus! Have you come from Wales?
FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, (indicating DOLL)* by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.	FALSTAFF You son of a bitch, you insane block of royalty! (indicating DOLL) I swear on this piece of weak flesh and corrupt blood that you’re welcome here!
DOLL TEARSHEET How? You fat fool, I scorn you.	DOLL TEARSHEET What? You fat fool! The hell with you!
POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.	POINS My lord, if you don’t strike while the iron’s hot, he’ll turn everything into a joke and rob you of your chance for revenge.
PRINCE HENRY You whoreson candle-mine, you how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!	PRINCE HENRY You son of a whore, you giant piece of candle wax, you said such horrible things about me just now, in front of this honest, upstanding and well-behaved lady.
MISTRESS QUICKLY God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she is, by my troth.	MISTRESS QUICKLY May God bless your good heart! She is all that, I swear.
FALSTAFF Didst thou hear me?	FALSTAFF Did you hear me?
PRINCE HENRY Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.	PRINCE HENRY Yes. And you knew I was there, right? It’s just like when you ran away at Gad’s Hill : you knew I was the one who beat you, and you made up some story just to irritate me.
FALSTAFF No, no, no; not so. I did not think thou wast within hearing.	FALSTAFF No, no, no. Not at all. I had no idea you were there.
PRINCE HENRY I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull abuse, and then I know how to handle you.	PRINCE HENRY Then I’m going to make you confess that you deliberately slandered me. And then I’ll know what to do next.
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse.	FALSTAFF No slander, Hal. On my honor, no slander.
PRINCE HENRY Not to dispraise me and call me pantier and bread-chipper and I know not what?	PRINCE HENRY No? To malign me, and call me a pantry servant and a bread-trimmer, and I don’t know what else?
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.	FALSTAFF No slander, Hal.
POINS No abuse?	POINS No slander?
FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned, none. No, faith, boys, none.	FALSTAFF No slander, Ned, in the world, honest Ned, none. I maligned him only to the wicked, so that the wicked wouldn’t fall in love with him. And by doing that, I’ve acted like a good friend and loyal subject, and your father should thank me for it. No slander, Hal, none, Ned. No, truly boys, none.
PRINCE HENRY See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?	PRINCE HENRY Now your absolute fear and utter cowardliness has made you wrong this good lady in order to make peace with us. Is she wicked? Is this hostess here wicked? Is your boy here wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose piety burns in his face? Is he wicked?
POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.	POINS Answer, you withered old trunk, answer.
FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil outbids him too.	FALSTAFF The devil has marked Bardolph as long gone, and his face is Lucifer’s kitchen, where only drunks are served. As for the boy, he may have a good spirit on one shoulder, but the devil on the other is stronger.
PRINCE HENRY For the women?	PRINCE HENRY And the women?
FALSTAFF For one of them, she’s in hell already and burns poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and whether she be damned for that I know not.	FALSTAFF One of them is in hell already, where she gets poor souls hot. As for the other, I owe her money. If she’s damned for that, I have no idea.
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, I warrant you.	MISTRESS QUICKLY I’m not, I promise you that.
FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.	FALSTAFF No, I think you’re not. I think you’ve been excused for that. But there’s another charge against you. You serve flesh in this place, and that’s against the law. You’re going to hell for that.
MISTRESS QUICKLY All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent?	MISTRESS QUICKLY Everybody who serves food does that. What’s wrong with a bite or two of meat during Lent?
PRINCE HENRY You, gentlewoman.	PRINCE HENRY You, good lady—
DOLL TEARSHEET What says your Grace?	DOLL TEARSHEET What is it, gracious sir?
FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.	FALSTAFF He may speak to you graciously, but his body feels otherwise.
Knocking within	Knocking is heard offstage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door there, Francis.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Who’s knocking so loudly on the door? Francis, go see.
Enter PETO	PETO enters.
PRINCE HENRY Peto, how now, what news?	PRINCE HENRY Peto, how are you? What’s going on?
PETO The King your father is at Westminster, And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north, and as I came along I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.	PETO Your father the King is in Westminster. Twenty exhausted messengers have arrived from the north. And, on my way here, I met a dozen captains, hustling and working hard, knocking on the door of every tavern and searching for Sir John Falstaff.
PRINCE HENRY By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame So idly to profane the precious time When tempest of commotion, like the south Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.— Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good night.	PRINCE HENRY My God, Poins, I feel terrible wasting precious time on this idleness when a huge black storm is brewing, soon to open up on our bare, vulnerable heads. Give me my coat and my sword. Good night, Falstaff.
Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH	PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH exit.
FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.	FALSTAFF Now’s the sweetest part of the night, and we have to leave without enjoying it.
Knocking within	Knocking is heard offstage.
More knocking at the door?	More knocking!
Enter BARDOLPH	BARDOLPH enters.
How now, what’s the matter?	What’s going on? What’s the matter?
BARDOLPH You must away to court, sir, presently. A dozen captains stay at door for you.	BARDOLPH You have to go to the royal court immediately, sir. A dozen captains are at the door waiting for you.
FALSTAFF (to the PAGE) Pay the musicians, sirrah.—Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after. The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.	FALSTAFF (to the PAGE) Pay the musicians, Sirrah. Goodbye, waitress. Goodbye, Doll. See, wenches, how wanted we valuable men are? The good-for-nothing may sleep when the man of action is needed. Farewell, good wenches. If I’m not sent away immediately, I’ll come see you again before I go.
DOLL TEARSHEET I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.	DOLL TEARSHEET I can’t speak; my heart is ready to burst. Well, sweet Jack, take care of yourself.
FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell.	FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell.
Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, PAGE, and musicians	FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH exit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod time, but an honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee well.	MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, goodbye. I’ve known you twenty-nine years this June. But a more honest, more good-hearted man—well, fare you well.
BARDOLPH (within) Mistress Tearsheet!	BARDOLPH (offstage) Mistress Tearsheet!
MISTRESS QUICKLY What’s the matter?	MISTRESS QUICKLY What’s the matter?
BARDOLPH (within) Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.	BARDOLPH (offstage) Mistress Tearsheet, come to my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. Come.—She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?	MISTRESS QUICKLY O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll. Come.—She’s coming, all crying and blubbering.—Will you come, Doll?
Exeunt	They exit.