Much Ado About Nothing

(holding a letter) According to this letter, Don Pedro of Aragon and his army are coming to Messina tonight.

He must be very near by now. When I left him, he was less than nine miles from here.

How many noblemen were killed in the battle you just fought?

Not many, and no one important.

A victory in battle is twice as victorious when all the soldiers return home safely. This letter also says that Don Pedro has given honors to a young man from Florence named Claudio.

Claudio deserves to be honored, and Don Pedro has rewarded him accordingly. Claudio has done more than anyone would expect of a man his age. He looks like a lamb but fights like a lion. He has so greatly exceeded all expectations that I can’t even describe all he’s done.

He has an uncle here in Messina who will be glad to hear this news.

I have delivered some letters to his uncle, and he seemed very happy. He got so emotional that he actually looked like he was in pain.

Did he start weeping?

Yes, heavily.

That’s a very natural display of affection. There’s no face more sincere than one washed in tears. And it’s definitely better to cry because you’re happy than laugh because you’re sad!

Please tell me, has Signior Montanto returned from battle?

I don’t know anyone with that name, ma’am. There was no Signior Montanto in our army.

Who are you talking about, niece?

My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.

Oh, yes, Benedick has returned and is as cheerful as ever.

Benedick once put up a public notice in Messina challenging Cupid to an archery match. My uncle’s jester accepted the contest on Cupid’s behalf but used toy arrows at the shooting match. But tell me, how many men did he kill and eat in this battle? I promised him I would eat anyone he killed.

For God’s sake, Beatrice, you’re criticizing Signior Benedick too heavily. But I’m sure he’ll get even with you.

Signior Benedick served well in the war, my lady.

You had rotten food, and he helped you eat it. He’s a very brave eater—he has a strong stomach.

He’s a good soldier too, lady.

He’s a good soldier to a lady? Well then, what is he to a lord?

He’s a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He is positively stuffed with honorable virtues.

Absolutely—he is stuffed, like a dummy. As for what he’s stuffed with—well, nobody’s perfect.

Please don’t take my niece the wrong way, sir. Benedick and Beatrice have been waging a war of wits between themselves. Whenever they meet, there’s a little battle.

And I always win. The last time we fought, he was so dazed by the end that he wasn’t much smarter than his horse. So tell me, who is he hanging around with these days? Every month he has a new best friend.

Is that possible?

It’s entirely possible. He’s incredibly fickle—his affection changes faster than the latest fashions.

I can see you don’t like this gentleman.

No, absolutely not. But please tell me, who’s his best friend? Isn’t there some new swaggering young ruffian who will happily go to hell with Benedick?

He spends most of his time with the good, noble Claudio.

Oh God, Benedick will plague him like a disease! Benedick is an infection that’s easy to catch but hard to get rid of—and he’ll drive you crazy once you’ve been infected. God help Claudio! If he’s caught the Benedick, he’ll lose all his money before he’s cured.

I’m going to make sure I stay on your good side, lady.

Do that, my friend.

You will never fall victim to Benedick’s charms, my niece.

No, not until we see a hot January.

Don Pedro is here.

My dear Signior Leonato, hosting my whole army is such a huge burden, but you accept it—and me—with open arms. Most people choose to avoid trouble, but you run to it.

You are never trouble to this house, your Grace. It’s comforting when trouble departs. But when you leave, you take happiness with you and leave sorrow in its place.

You take up your duties too cheerfully. (turning to HERO) This must be your daughter.

That’s what her mother always tells me.

Did you doubt that she was your daughter, since you had to ask her mother?

(teasing) Of course not, Signior Benedick. You were only a child when my daughter was born, and not yet old enough to seduce my wife.

Ah, he got you back, Benedick! Leonato clearly knows your reputation with women. Seriously, though, the lady resembles Leonato so much that there can be no doubt about who her father is. Congratulations, lady: you resemble a most honorable man.

Well, even if he is her father, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to have the head of the old man on her shoulders!

I’m amazed you’re still talking, Signior Benedick. No one’s listening to you.

Look, it’s my dear Lady Disdain! Aren’t you dead yet?

How could disdain die when you’re here? When you’re around, even Lady Courtesy becomes Lady Disdain.

That makes Lady Courtesy a traitor. All ladies love me, except you. It’s too bad I’m so hard-hearted, because I really don’t love anyone.

Women are lucky, then. You would make a nasty suitor. Thankfully, I feel the same way you do. I have no need for romance. I would rather listen to my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear that he loves me.

Well, I hope you stay in that frame of mind or some poor man will end up with his face all scratched up.

If he has a face like yours, a good scratching couldn’t make him look any worse.

Listen to you, instructing me like a parrot would.

I’d rather be a squawking bird than an animal like you.

I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth and was as tireless. That’s it—I’m done.

You always slip out of the argument like this. I know you from before.

And that’s everything, Leonato.—Claudio, Benedick—my dear friend Leonato has invited you all to stay here at Messina. I told him we’ll stay for at least a month, and he says that he hopes we’ll stay longer. I think he’s actually serious, and not just being polite.

I am being serious, my lord. (to DON JOHN) I welcome you here as well. Now that you and your brother have made friends again, I owe you the same allegiance I owe Don Pedro.

Thank you. I’m not a man who talks a lot, but I thank you.

If it pleases you, your highness, will you lead us all inside?

Give me your hand, Leonato. We will go in together.

Benedick, did you notice Signior Leonato’s daughter?

I saw her, but I didn’t notice her.

Isn’t she a well-mannered young lady?

Do you want my true opinion? Or do you want me to criticize her like I do all women?

No, please, speak seriously.

Well, it seems to me that she is too short to be praised highly, too dark to be praised fairly, and too small to be praised greatly. I can only say this about her: if she looked different than she does, she would be ugly, and since she can’t be anything but herself, I don’t like her.

You think I’m kidding. Please tell me seriously what you think of her.

Are you thinking of buying her? Is that why you’re asking?

Would it even be possible to buy a jewel as rare and precious as Hero?

Yes, and you could buy a case to put it in, too. But tell me, are you speaking seriously? Or are you just teasing? If I’m going to sing along with you, I need to know what key you’re singing in.

I think she’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

I’m still young enough to see without glasses, and I don’t see what you’re talking about. If her cousin Beatrice didn’t have such a nasty temper, she’d be so much more beautiful than Hero that it would be like comparing May to December. But, hey, this doesn’t mean you’re looking to get married, does it?

Even if I had sworn never to marry, I wouldn’t trust myself to keep that promise if Hero would marry me.

What’s going on these days? Isn’t there one man left in the world who knows not to take a wife? She’s just going to cheat on him. Will I never see a sixty-year old bachelor again or will all men be swindled into marriage while they’re young? Go ahead, then, if you have to yoke yourself to marriage, like an ox carrying his load, and throw away your free time. Look, Don Pedro has come back for you.

What secrets between you have kept you from following us to Leonato’s?

Your highness will have to force me to tell.

Your loyalty to me requires you to tell me what you’ve been talking about.

Look, Claudio, I can keep secrets like a mute; I want you to know that. But I owe Don Pedro my allegiance—look, I have to tell him—(to DON PEDRO) Claudio is in love. With whom? That’s what you’re supposed to ask me next, your Grace. Look how short the answer is—with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.

If you say so.

Listen to him deny it, like that man in the old tale “Mr. Fox”: “It isn’t true and wasn’t true and God forbid it should be so.”

Unless my feelings change very soon, I have to admit it’s true.

It’s good if you love Hero, because she’s worthy of your love.

You’re trying to trick me, my lord.

I swear, I’m telling you what I honestly think.

And I swear I spoke honestly to Benedick—I am in love with Hero.

And I swear all up and down I spoke honestly when I said that this was a horrible idea.

I feel that I love her.

I know that she is worthy of that love.

I, on the other hand, don’t feel how she could be loved and don’t know how she could be worthy. Even fire can’t melt that opinion out of me. You could burn me at the stake, and I’d still think this.

You never did believe in the power of beauty.

Or in the power of reason.

I was conceived by a woman, and I thank her very much for all her effort. And then she brought me up, and I thank her for that, too. But all the other women will have to forgive me for not being willing to be made a fool of—cheated on by a wife. I don’t want to insult any particular woman by doubting and mistrusting her, so I’ll just avoid them all. And the conclusion of this is that I’ll live as a bachelor—and, with the money I save, dress better.

I swear, before I die I’m going to see you sick with love.

With anger, with fever, or with hunger, sure, my friend, but never sick with love. If you can prove that I’ll ever be so in love that I can’t be brought to my senses with a good round of beers, you can pluck out my eyes with a love-poet’s pen and hang me on a brothel’s door where the picture of blind Cupid usually goes.

I’ll be sure to remember this fuss you’ve made, in case you ever do fall in love. That’ll be news.

If I ever change my mind, you can use me for target practice. And whoever hits the bull’s eye gets to be a hero.

Well, time will tell. Even the most savage bull is eventually domesticated.

Maybe the bull is, but if I am ever domesticated, you can take that bull’s horns and put them right on my forehead, as my wife is sure to cuckold me soon enough. You might as well hang a big sign with enormous lettering around my neck. But instead of it saying “Horse for hire,” it will say “Take a look at Benedick, the married man.”

If that ever happened, you’d go absolutely mad.

Well, if Cupid hasn’t used up all his arrows in Venice, where the courtesans are famous for making men lovesick, he’ll get you to quiver and shake. Just you wait.

That’s about as likely as an earthquake.

Oh, you’ll soften as time passes. While you’re waiting for that to happen, though, hurry to Leonato’s. Give him my respects, and tell him I’ll definitely be there for dinner, since I know he has gone to great lengths for this meal.

I think I can handle this mission. And so I commit you—

“Into God’s hands. From my house, if I had a house—”

“The sixth of July. Sincerely, your loving friend, Benedick.”

Oh, stop joking around. You know, sometimes you two dress up your conversation with flimsy little bits of wit that don’t hold together too well. Before you make fun of everyone else, look at yourselves in the mirror! And with that, I’m leaving.

My lord, you could really help me out now.

I am at your service. Just tell me what you want me to do, and however hard it is, you’ll see that I’m eager to do it.

Does Leonato have a son, my lord?

Hero is his only child, and his only heir. Do you like her, Claudio?

Oh, my lord, when we left Messina to fight the war, I looked at Hero with the eyes of a soldier. I liked what I saw, but my mind was so occupied with the rough, violent task ahead of me that there was no chance that like would turn intolove. But now that I’m back, the room in my head that I used to fill with war plans has become crowded with soft and delicate feelings. They all lead me to the same thought—how beautiful young Hero is and how I must have liked her even before I left to fight.

You will become a true lover soon, and exhaust your friends with your endless chatter about your feelings. Look, if you really love the beautiful Hero, enjoy it. I will speak to her and her father about the matter, and I’ll convince Leonato to promise Hero to you. Isn’t that the reason you told me all this?

You can see that I’m sick with love, and you’re taking care of me in just the right way! But I didn’t want you to think that I’m hasty in my emotions. I was going to explain my feelings with a longer story.

Why speak longer than you have to? That’s like building a bridge wider than the river it crosses. Whatever gets the job done is best. You love Hero; that’s all I need to know to want to find a remedy. They’re going to have a costume party with dancing tonight. I’ll disguise myself as you and pour out “my” feelings to Hero, taking her prisoner with the force of my love story. Then I’ll talk to her father. And in the end, she’s yours! Let’s get started right away.