Much Ado About Nothing

Didn’t I tell you she was innocent?

And the Prince and Claudio, who accused her, are innocent as well, because they were deceived by Don John. Margaret is partially guilty, although our investigation shows that she acted unintentionally.

Well, I’m glad that everything has been sorted out.

Me too—otherwise I would have had to duel with Claudio.

Hero, you and the other women should all retreat to a room. When I send for you, come out wearing masks. The Prince and Claudio are supposed to be here by now.—You know your job, brother. You have to pretend to be your niece’s father, and give her away to Claudio.

I’ll do that, without giving away our secret.

Friar, I think I need a favor from you.

What do you need me to do?

To tie me up, or to undo me: one or the other. Signior Leonato, the truth is, your niece likes me.

She sees you with the eyes my daughter lent her, it’s true.

And I see her also through the eyes of love.

And those eyes were endowed with sight by Claudio, the Prince, and me. But what did you want?

Sir, I’m puzzled by what you just said. But as far as what I want—I want you to give Beatrice and me your blessing to be married. That, good Friar, is where you come in.

Our wishes are aligned, then: I give you my blessing.

And I’ll help you. Here comes the Prince and Claudio.

Good morning to all these lovely people.

Good morning, Prince; good morning, Claudio. We’re waiting here for you. Are you still set on marrying my brother’s daughter?

I wouldn’t change my mind even if she were black-skinned.

Bring her out, brother. The friar’s ready.

Good morning, Benedick. What’s the matter? Your face looks like the month of February—full of frost, storms, and cloudiness.

I think he’s nervous—he’s about to become the savage bull who got domesticated. Oh, don’t worry about it—we’ll dip your horns in gold and make you pretty, and you’ll delight all of Europe, just like Jove delighted Europa when he was a bull.

Jove came to earth lowing for love. A strange bull just like him mated with one of your father’s cows and, voilà, gave birth to a calf like you—you bleat the same as him.

I’ll get you for that one. But here are other matters to be dealt with.

Which is the lady I’m supposed to marry?

This one, and I will give her to you.

Well, then she’s the one for me. Sweetheart, let me see your face.

No, you can’t do that until you take her hand and, in front of this friar, swear to marry her.

(to HERO) Give me your hand. With the friar as my witness, I am your husband, if you want me.

And when I lived, I was your other wife. And when you loved me, you were my other husband.(she removes her mask)

It’s another Hero!

Exactly right. One Hero died when she was slandered, but I am alive. And as surely as I am alive, I am a virgin.

It’s the former Hero! The Hero that died!

She was only dead, my lord, as long as her slander lived.

I can confirm that all these shocking things are true. After the wedding ceremony, I’ll tell you all about beautiful Hero’s “death.” In the meantime, just accept all these wonderful things, and let’s head to the chapel.

Wait a moment, Friar. Which one of you is Beatrice?

(taking off her mask) That’s my name. What do you want?

Do you love me?

No, no more than is reasonable.

Well then, your uncle and the Prince and Claudio have been deceived. They swore you did.

Do you love me?

Truly, no—no more than is reasonable.

Well then, Margaret, Ursula, and my cousin have been very much deceived, for they swore you did.

They swore that you were sick with love for me.

They swore that you were nearly dead with love for me.

Oh, well. So you don’t love me?

No, I don’t—except as a friend.

Come on, niece, I’m sure you love him.

And I’ll swear that he loves her. Here’s a clumsy sonnet, in Benedick’s handwriting, dedicated to Beatrice. (holding up a piece of paper)

And here’s another poem, which I stole from my cousin’s pocket—in her handwriting and all about her adoration for Benedick. (holding up a piece of paper)

What a miracle! Our handwriting gives away our hearts. Come on, I’ll take you, but honestly I’m only doing it out of pity.

I won’t say no to you, but let it be known that I’m only doing this after a lot of persuasion and to save your life —I hear you were quickly wasting away without me.

Oh, shut up! I’ll stop your mouth with a kiss.

How does it feel to be Benedick the Married Man?

I’ll tell you what, Prince: a whole university full of wisecrackers couldn’t change my mood today. You think I care what I’m called? Well, I don’t. If a man is always afraid of what others think, he won’t even dare to dress nicely, because he’ll be afraid people will talk about him. In short, since I intend to get married, I won’t hear anyone say a bad thing about it. So don’t go making fun of me for what I said before. Man is a giddy, flighty thing: that’s my conclusion. And Claudio—though I’m sure I would have beaten you in our duel—since you’re likely to become my relative, I’ll let you go, unbruised, and love my cousin Hero.

I was sort of hoping you would say no to Beatrice, so that I could have smacked you out of your single life and made you a double dealer. Which you’ll probably turn into anyway, if my cousin Beatrice doesn’t keep you on a short leash.

Come on, we’re all friends. Let’s do a dance, and have some fun, before we’re wed.

We’ll dance after the wedding.

No, before! Musicians, play us a song.—Prince, you look sad. You should get a wife! Your royal staff would be so much more impressive if it were topped off by a horn.

(to DON PEDRO) My lord, your brother John was caught by armed soldiers as he fled. He’s been brought back to Messina.

(to DON PEDRO) Leave him till tomorrow. I’ll think of some awful punishment for him. Play on, musicians!