Romeo and Juliet

Where the devil can Romeo be? Didn’t he come home last night?

Not to his father’s house. I asked a servant.

That fair-skinned, hard-hearted hussy, Rosaline is going to torment him until he goes insane.

Tybalt, old Capulet’s nephew, has sent a letter to Romeo’s father’s house.

I bet it’s a challenge.

Romeo will answer the challenge.

Any man who knows how to write can answer a letter.

No, Romeo will respond to the letter’s writer, telling him whether he accepts the challenge.

Oh, poor Romeo! He’s already dead. He’s been stabbed by a white girl’s black eye. He’s been cut through the ear with a love song. The center of his heart has been split by blind Cupid’s arrow. Is he man enough at this point to face off with Tybalt?

Why, what’s Tybalt’s story?

He’s tougher than the Prince of Cats. He does everything by the book. He fights like you sing at a recital, paying attention to time, distance, and proportion. He takes the proper breaks: one, two, and the third in your heart. He’s the butcher who can hit any silk button. A master of duels. He’s a gentleman from the finest school of fencing. He knows how to turn any argument into a swordfight. He knows passado—the forward thrust—the punto reverso—the backhand thrust—and the hai—the thrust that goes straight through.

He knows what?

I hate these crazy, affected guys who use foreign phrases and newfangled expressions. I hate their strange manners and their weird accents! I hate it when they say, “By Jesus, this is a very good blade, a very brave man, a very good whore.” Isn’t this a sad thing, my good man? Why should we put up with these foreign buzzards, these fashionmongers, these guys who say “pardon me,” these guys who care so much about manners that they can’t kick back on a bench without whining? “Oh, my aching bones!”

Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!

He looks skinny, like a dried herring without its eggs, and he hasn’t got his girl. O flesh, flesh, you’ve turned pale and weak like a fish. Now he’s ready for Petrarch’s poetry. Compared to Romeo’s girl, Laura was a kitchen slave. Surely she has a better love to make rhymes for her. Dido was shabbily dressed. Cleopatra was a gypsy girl. Helen and Hero were sluts and harlots. Thisbe might have had a blue eye or two, but that doesn’t matter. Signor Romeo, bonjour. There’s a French greeting that matches your drooping French-style pants. You faked us out pretty good last night.

Good morning to you both. What do you mean I faked you out?

You gave us the slip, sir, the slip. Can’t you understand what I’m saying?

Excuse me, good Mercutio. I had very important business to take care of. It was so important that I had to forget about courtesy and good manners.

In other words “important business” made you flex your buttocks.

You mean do a curtsy?

You’ve hit the target, sir.

That’s a very polite and courteous explanation.

Yes, I am the pink flower—the master, of courtesy and manners.

The pink flower.

Right.

Well, then my pump is well decorated with flowers.

Alright my witty friend, this joke has worn out your pump. Its thin skin is all worn out. The joke is all you have left.

This is a bad joke. It’s all silliness.

Come break this up, Benvolio. I’m losing this duel of wits.

Keep going, keep going, or I’ll declare myself the winner.

Now, if our jokes go on a wild-goose chase, I’m finished. You have more wild goose in one of your jokes than I have in five of mine. Was I even close to you in the chase for the goose?

You were never with me for anything if you weren’t there for the goose.

I’ll bite you on the ear for that joke.

No, good goose, don’t bite me.

Your joke is a very bitter apple. Your humor is a spicy sauce.

Then isn’t it just the right dish for a sweet goose?

Oh, that’s a joke made out of leather that spreads itself thin, from the width of an inch to as fat as a yard.

I stretch my joke for that word “fat.” If you add that word to the word “goose,” it shows that you are a fat goose.

Why, isn’t all this joking better than groaning about love? Now you’re sociable. Now you’re Romeo. Now you are what you’ve learned to be and what you are naturally. This love of yours was like a blithering idiot who runs up and down looking for a hole to hide his toy in.

Stop there, stop there.

You want me to stop my tale before I’m done.

Otherwise your tale would have gotten too long.

Oh, you’re wrong. I would have made it short. I had come to the deepest part of my tale, and I planned to say nothing more on the topic.

Here’s something good.

A sail, a sail!

There’s two—a man and a woman.

Peter!

I’m at your service.

Give me my fan, Peter.

Good Peter, give her her fan to hide her face. Her fan is prettier than her face.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good afternoon, fair lady.

Is it now afternoon?

It’s not earlier than that, I tell you. The lusty hand of the clock is now pricking noon.

Get out of here! What kind of man are you?

I’m a man, my lady, that God has made for himself to ruin.

I swear, you speak the truth. “For himself to ruin,” he says. Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I can find young Romeo?

I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when you find him than he was when you started looking for him. I am the youngest man by that name, because there is no one younger, or worse.

You speak well.

Is the worst well? Very well taken, I believe, very wise.

(to ROMEO) If you’re the Romeo I’m looking for, sir, I would like to have a confidence with you.

She will indite him to some dinner party.

A pimp! A pimp! A pimp! I’ve found it out.

What have you found out?

She’s not a prostitute unless she’s using her ugliness to hide her promiscuity.

(he walks by them and sings)

Old rabbit meat is good to eat,

If you can’t get anything else.

But if it’s so old,

That it goes bad before you eat it,

Then it was a waste of money.

(speaking)

Romeo, are you going to your father’s for lunch? Let’s go there.

I’ll follow after you.

Goodbye, old lady. Goodbye, lady, lady, lady.

Please tell me, sir, who was that foulmouthed punk who was so full of crude jokes?

Nurse, he’s a man who likes to hear the sound of his own voice. He says more in one minute than he does in a whole month.

If he says anything against me, I’ll humble him, even if he were stronger than he is—and twenty punks like him. If I can’t do it myself, I’ll find someone who can. That dirty rat! I’m not one of his sluts. I’m not one of his punk friends who carries a knife. (to PETER) And you just stand there letting every jerk make fun of me for kicks.

I didn’t see anybody use you for kicks. If I had seen something like that, I would have quickly pulled out my weapon. Believe me, I’ll draw my sword as quick as any other man if I see a fight starting and the law is on my side.

Now, I swear, I’m so angry that I’m shaking all over. That rotten scoundrel! (to ROMEO) Now, please, may I have a word with you, sir? My young mistress asked me to find you. What she asked me to say I’ll keep to myself. But let me tell you this first. If you lead her into a fool’s paradise, as the saying goes, it would be an outrageous crime because the girl is so young. And if you try to trick her, it would be an evil thing to do to any woman and very poor behavior.

Nurse, give my regards to to your lady. I swear to you—

You have a good heart, and believe me, I’ll tell her that. Lord, Lord, she’ll be a happy woman.

What are you going to tell her, Nurse? You’re not paying attention to me.

Sir, I’ll tell her that you protest to her, which I think is the gentlemanly thing to do..

Tell her to devise a plan to get out of her house and come to confession at the abbey this afternoon. At Friar Lawrence’s cell she can make confession and be married. (giving her coins) Here is a reward for your efforts.

No, really, I won’t take a penny.

Go on, I insist you take it.

(taking the money) This afternoon, sir? She’ll be there.

Wait good Nurse. Within an hour, one of my men will come to you behind the abbey wall and give you a rope ladder. I’ll use the rope ladder to climb over the walls at night. Then I’ll meet Juliet joyfully and in secret. Goodbye. Be honest and helpful, and I’ll repay you for your efforts. Goodbye. Sing my praises to your mistress.

May God in heaven bless you. Now please listen, sir.

What do you have to say, my dear Nurse?

Can your man keep a secret? Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Two can conspire to put one away”?

I assure you, my man is as true as steel.

Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, Lord, when she was a little baby—Oh, there is one nobleman in the city, a guy named Paris, who would be happy to claim her as his own. Juliet would rather look at a toad than at him. I make her angry sometimes by saying that Paris is more handsome than you are. But when I say so, I swear she turns white as a sheet. Don’t “rosemary” and “Romeo” begin with the same letter?

Yes, Nurse, what about that? They both begin with the letter “R.”

Ah, you jokester—that’s the dog’s name. “R” is for the—no, I know it begins with another letter. She says the most beautiful things about you and rosemary. It would be good for you to hear the things she says.

Give my compliments to your lady.

Yes, a thousand times. Peter!

I’m ready.

(giving PETER her fan) Go ahead. Go quickly.