The Merchant of Venice

Yes, look, it’s true that children are punished for the sins of their fathers. That’s why I’m worried about you. I’ve always been straightforward with you, so now I’m telling you what I think. Cheer up, because I think you’re going to hell. There’s only one hope for you, and even that’s a kind of illegitimate hope.

What hope is that, may I ask?

You can hope your father isn’t your real father. Maybe your mother fooled around, and you aren’t the Jew’s daughter.

That really is an illegitimate hope. Then I’d be punished for the sins of my mother.

In that case I’m afraid you’re damned by both your father and your mother. When you avoid one trap, you fall into another. You’re in trouble either way.

My husband will save me. He’s made me a Christian.

He was wrong to do that. There were enough Christians before—as many of them as could stand to live near each other. All these new Christians will make the price of hogs go up. If we’re all pork-eaters, we won’t be able to get our hands on a slice of bacon, even if we’ve got the money for it.

I’ll tell my husband what you’ve said, Launcelot. Here he comes.

You’re going to make me jealous, Launcelot, if you keep taking my wife into dark corners like this!

No, you don’t need to worry about us, Lorenzo. Launcelot and I can’t agree on anything. He says I won’t get into heaven because I’m a Jew’s daughter, and he says you’re irresponsible because by converting Jews to Christianity you’re raising the price of pork.

I can justify that better than you can justify sleeping with Portia’s African servant. The Moor is pregnant with your child, Launcelot.

It’s too bad there’s more of the Moor than there ought to be. Well, even if she’s a less than honest woman, she’s still a lot more respectable than I thought at first.

Any fool can make puns! I think the best sign of intelligence will soon be silence, and talking will only be a good thing for parrots to do. Go in and tell the servants to get ready for dinner.

That’s already been done, sir. They’re all ready to eat dinner.

Good Lord, what a clown you are! Tell them to make the dinner.

That’s also been done, sir. The word you’re looking for is “cover .”

Will you cover, then?

No, sir—I know my duty.

You keep finding ways to mock me! Are you planning on showing me all your wit at once? Please understand my simple message: go tell the servants to set the table and bring in the food, and we’ll come in to dinner.

About the table, sir, dinner will be served on it. As for the food, it will be served in covered dishes. As for your coming in to dinner, just do what you feel is right.

Oh, he’s good at bending words around! The fool has memorized a whole army full of fancy words. I know jesters in better positions, with the same talents he has. They also like to digress from the topic at hand by playing with language. Anyway, how are you, Jessica? And how do you like Lord Bassanio’s wife?

I like her more than I can say. Bassanio should live an upstanding life because having a wife like Portia is a blessing. It’s as if he found heaven here on earth. And if he doesn’t deserve this joy on earth, he’ll never deserve it in heaven. Imagine what would happen if two gods in heaven made a bet. If one of them used Portia as his stake, the other god would have a hard time coming up with a human woman to match her value. The poor rude world doesn’t have her equal.

As good a wife as she is, that’s how good a husband I am to you.

I’ll be the judge of that!

I’ll give you a chance to judge later. First let’s go to dinner.

No, let me say some good things about you while I’m in the mood.

No, please, save it for dinner conversation. That way, no matter what you say, I’ll digest it with everything else.

In that case I’ll serve you up like a dish of food.