The Taming of the Shrew

(as LUCENTIO) I don’t believe it, Litio. It’s not possible that Bianca could prefer another man to me. I’ve seen the way she behaves.

(as LITIO) You want proof of what I’m telling you? Stand right here and watch this fellow’s “lesson.” (they stand off to one side)

(as CAMBIO) Well, mistress, are you learning from what you’re reading?

What are you reading, teacher? Answer me that first.

(as CAMBIO) I’m reading the book I know best—The Art of Love

I hope you’re an expert in your field.

(as CAMBIO) Well, my dear, you’re the mistress of my heart in any case!

(as LITIO) Quick work for schoolwork! How do you explain that? I though you said your precious Bianca loved no one better than you, Lucentio!

(as LUCENTIO) Oh spiteful love! Faithless womanhood! It’s incredible, Litio!

Let me come clean. I’m not really Litio. I’m not even a musician, really. In fact, I refuse to go on with this charade for a woman who would choose a lower-class guy like this over a gentleman of my stature. My name is Hortensio, sir.

(as LUCENTIO) Signior Hortensio, I’ve often heard of your total devotion to Bianca. So, now that I’ve seen with my own eyes proof of her worthlessness, I’m willing to join you in swearing her off for good, if you like.

Look how they kiss and carry on! Signior Lucentio, it’s a deal. I hereby swear to have nothing more to do with this girl. I formally declare her unworthy of all the attention and expense I have wasted on her.

And I hereby make the same promise—never to marry her, not even if she begs me. The hell with her! Look how she carries on with him! It’s revolting!

I wish all her lovers had given her up. Well, to be on the safe side—so I don’t go back on my promise—I plan to get myself married to a wealthy widow within the next three days. She’s been after me for years—the way I’ve been for this proud, haughty hag. Farewell, then, Signior Lucentio. From now on, goodness in women, not superficial beauty, will win my heart. I bid you all goodbye. I’ve made up my mind, and I’m going to stick to it.

Miss Bianca, may you be blessed with all the happiness you deserve. No, I’ve caught you out, my dear. You’re busted. Hortensio and I have given you up.

You can’t mean it, Tranio! Have you both really given me up?

Yes, ma’am, we have.

So Litio’s out of the picture.

He’s going after a young widow. He says he’ll court and win her in a day.

Well, good for him!

Yeah, and he’s going to tame her.

Is that what he says?

Yep. He’s gone to study at the taming school.

The taming school? Is there such a place?

Yes, ma’am. Petruchio runs it. There he teaches piles of tricks for taming a shrew and her tongue.

Master, master, I’ve been on the lookout so long, I’m ready to fall down dead—but I’ve got one, finally! There’s a trustworthy old fellow coming down the hill who will do the job.

What does he look like, Biondello?

A merchant or a schoolmaster, sir. Well, I don’t know exactly, but his clothes are respectable, and to judge from his face and walk, he’s old enough to be Lucentio’s father.

And what about him, Tranio?

If he’s an easy mark and buys my story, I think I can get him to pose as Vincentio—and be as ready to vouch for you with Baptista Minola as the real Vincentio would. Go, take your sweetheart and leave him to me.

May God keep you well, sir.

(as LUCENTIO) And you too, sir. Welcome. Are you going far, or is this your destination?

This is it, for now. Then, in a week or two, I’ll continue on as far as Rome, then on to Tripoli, God willing.

(speaking as LUCENTIO) What country are you from, if I may ask?

Mantua.

(as LUCENTIO) Mantua, sir? Oh Lord, I hope not. And coming to Padua? Do you want to get killed?

Killed? Why? That would be a little extreme!

It’s a capital offense for anyone from Mantua to come to Padua. Didn’t you know? The Duke of Padua has publicly proclaimed it. He’s feuding with your duke, and all ships from Mantua are being held up at Venice. It’s strange that you haven’t heard. There are signs up all over town—but I guess it’s because you’ve only just arrived.

Oh dear, oh dear. This is very bad, very bad. I have promissory notes from Florence that I have to deliver.

(as LUCENTIO) Well, look, just to be nice I’ll help you out and give you some advice to boot. First tell me, though—have you ever been to Pisa?

Oh yes, sir, I have often been to Pisa—Pisa, City of Wise Men.

(as LUCENTIO) There’s one of them called Vincentio? Do you know him?

I’ve heard of him but I’ve never met him. A merchant of unheard-of wealth.

(as LUCENTIO) He is my father, sir, and I have to tell you—you look a little like him.

(speaking to the audience) As much as an apple looks like an oyster, but whatever.

(as LUCENTIO) Under the circumstance, to save your life, here’s what I’m willing to do—and it’s actually not an unlucky thing that you happen to look like Sir Vincentio. We’ll pass you off as him—you can assume his name and reputation and stay in my house. You just have to act your part, you understand? You’ll stay here in the city until you’ve taken care of your business. If this is kindness, you’re welcome to it.

Oh sir, I accept. And I’ll be eternally grateful to you.

(as LUCENTIO) Then come with me and we’ll set it up. And, by the way, I should probably tell you: my father himself is coming any day to vouch for me in the matter of a dowry—a marriage contract between me and the daughter of a fellow named Baptista. I’ll fill you in on the whole situation. Come, let’s go and get your costume.