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Twelfth Night

Act 1, Scene 3

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA	SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA enter.
SIR TOBY BELCH What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.	SIR TOBY BELCH What’s wrong with my niece? Why is she reacting so strangely to her brother’s death? Grief is bad for people’s health.
MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.	MARIA For God’s sake, Sir Toby, you’ve got to come home earlier at night. My lady Olivia, your niece, disapproves of your late-night partying.
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, let her except, before excepted.	SIR TOBY BELCH Well, she can get used to it.
MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.	MARIA Yes, but you need to keep yourself within the limits of order and decency.
SIR TOBY BELCH Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too. An they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.	SIR TOBY BELCH Keep myself? The only thing I’m keeping myself in is the clothes I’m wearing. They’re good enough to drink in, and so are these boots. If they aren’t, they can go hang themselves by their own laces!
MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.	MARIA You’re going to destroy yourself with all this drinking. Lady Olivia said so yesterday. She also mentioned some stupid knight you brought in one night as a possible husband for her.
SIR TOBY BELCH Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?	SIR TOBY BELCH Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA Ay, he.	MARIA Yes, that’s the one.
SIR TOBY BELCH He’s as tall a man as any ’s in Illyria.	SIR TOBY BELCH He’s as tall as a man in Illyria.
MARIA What’s that to the purpose?	MARIA What does his height have to do with anything?
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.	SIR TOBY BELCH Why, he has an income of three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool and a prodigal.	MARIA I bet he’ll spend his whole inheritance in a year. He’s a fool and a spendthrift.
SIR TOBY BELCH Fie, that you’ll say so! He plays o’ the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.	SIR TOBY BELCH You shouldn’t talk about him like that! He plays the violin and speaks three or four languages word for word without a dictionary. He has all of nature’s best gifts.
MARIA He hath indeed, almost natural, for besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreler, and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.	MARIA Right—he’s a natural-born idiot. Besides being a fool, he’s argumentative. If he didn’t have the coward’s gift for backing down from a fight, they say he’d be dead by now.
SIR TOBY BELCH By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him. Who are they?	SIR TOBY BELCH Anyone who says that is a lying piece of garbage. Who said that?
MARIA They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.	MARIA The same people who say he gets drunk with you every night.
SIR TOBY BELCH With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coistrel that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo, for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.	SIR TOBY BELCH We only drink toasts to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long as there’s a hole in my throat and booze in Illyria. Anyone who refuses to drink to my niece until his brain spins around like a merry-go-round is scum. But speak of the devil, here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter SIR ANDREW	SIR ANDREW enters.
SIR ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch!	SIR ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! How are you, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY BELCH Sweet Sir Andrew!	SIR TOBY BELCH Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW (to MARIA) Bless you, fair shrew.	SIR ANDREW (to MARIA) And hello to you, my little wench.
MARIA And you too, sir.	MARIA Hello, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.	SIR TOBY BELCH Chat her up, Sir Andrew. Chat her up.
SIR ANDREW What’s that?	SIR ANDREW What?
SIR TOBY BELCH My niece’s chambermaid.	SIR TOBY BELCH This is my niece’s maid.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.	SIR ANDREW My dear Miss Chat-her-up, I look forward to getting to know you better.
MARIA My name is Mary, sir.	MARIA My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost—	SIR ANDREW Miss Mary Chat-her-up—
SIR TOBY BELCH You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.	SIR TOBY BELCH No, you’ve got it wrong. When I said “chat her up,” I wasn’t saying her name. I was telling you to go after her, woo her, confront her.
SIR ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?	SIR ANDREW Good heavens, I’d never do that with people watching. Is that really what you meant?
MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)	MARIA Goodbye, gentlemen. (she starts to exit)
SIR TOBY BELCH An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.	SIR TOBY BELCH She’s leaving. If you let her go this easily, Sir Andrew, you don’t deserve to ever use your sword again.
SIR ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?	SIR ANDREW If you leave like this, my dear, I won’t ever use my sword again. I’m not just talking nonsense to you, I mean everything I say. Do you think you’ve got a couple of fools on your hands here?
MARIA Sir, I have not you by the hand.	MARIA I’m not holding your hand, sir.
SIR ANDREW Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my hand. (he offers her his hand)	SIR ANDREW But you will. Here’s my hand. (he offers her his hand)
MARIA (taking his hand) Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.	MARIA (taking his hand) A girl’s got a right to her opinions. Take your hand to a bar and put a drink in it.
SIR ANDREW Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?	SIR ANDREW Why, sweetheart? Is there a hidden meaning in this?
MARIA It’s dry, sir.	MARIA You’re not holding a glass. Your hand is dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW Why, I think so. I am not such an ass, but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?	SIR ANDREW Well, I hope so. I’m not such an idiot that I can’t keep my hands dry. But I don’t get it—what’s the joke?
MARIA A dry jest, sir.	MARIA Just a bit of my dry humor, sir.
SIR ANDREW Are you full of them?	SIR ANDREW Are you always so funny?
MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.	MARIA Yes, I’ve got a handful of jokes. But oops, when I let go of your hand, I let go of the biggest joke of all.
Exit	MARIA exits.
SIR TOBY BELCH O knight, thou lackest a cup of canary. When did I see thee so put down?	SIR TOBY BELCH Sir, you need a drink. When has anyone ever put you down like that.
SIR ANDREW Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.	SIR ANDREW Never. I’ve only been that far down when I’ve drunk myself under the table. Sometimes I think I’m no smarter than average. I eat a lot of red meat, and maybe that makes me stupid.
SIR TOBY BELCH No question.	SIR TOBY BELCH Absolutely.
SIR ANDREW An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby.	SIR ANDREW If I really believed that, I’d give up red meat totally. By the way, I’m going home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH Pourquoi, my dear knight?	SIR TOBY BELCH Pourquoi, my friend?
SIR ANDREW What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts!	SIR ANDREW What does “pourquoi” mean? Does it mean I will or I won’t? Oh, I wish I’d spent as much time learning languages as I spent on fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting! If only I’d taken school more seriously!
SIR TOBY BELCH Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.	SIR TOBY BELCH You’d have a great hairstyle if you had.
SIR ANDREW Why, would that have mended my hair?	SIR ANDREW Why, would that have fixed my hair?
SIR TOBY BELCH Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.	SIR TOBY BELCH Oh, no question—it won’t style itself.
SIR ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?	SIR ANDREW But my hair looks good anyway, doesn’t it?
SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent. It hangs like flax on a distaff. And I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.	SIR TOBY BELCH It looks great. It hangs like an old worn-out mop. Some woman should give you syphilis so you go bald.
SIR ANDREW Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen. Or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The count himself here hard by woos her.	SIR ANDREW Listen, I’m going home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece is refusing to see anyone, and even if she saw me, ten to one she’d want nothing to do with me. That duke who lives nearby is courting her.
SIR TOBY BELCH She’ll none o’ the count. She’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear ’t. Tut, there’s life in ’t, man.	SIR TOBY BELCH She’s not interested in the duke. She doesn’t want to marry anyone of higher social rank than her, or anyone richer, older, or smarter. I’ve heard her say that. So cheer up, there’s still hope for you, man.
SIR ANDREW I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest mind i’ th’ world. I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.	SIR ANDREW All right, I’ll stay another month. Ah, I’m an odd kind of guy. Sometimes all I want to do is see plays and go out dancing.
SIR TOBY BELCH Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?	SIR TOBY BELCH Are you good at those kinds of things?
SIR ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters. And yet I will not compare with an old man.	SIR ANDREW Yes, as good as any man in Illyria, except for the ones who are better at it than I am. I’m not as good as someone who’s been dancing for years.
SIR TOBY BELCH What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?	SIR TOBY BELCH How good are you at those fast dances?
SIR ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.	SIR ANDREW Believe me, I can cut a caper.
SIR TOBY BELCH And I can cut the mutton to ’t.	SIR TOBY BELCH And I can cut some meat to go with your capers.
SIR ANDREW And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.	SIR ANDREW And I can do that fancy backward step as well as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY BELCH Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.	SIR TOBY BELCH Why do you hide these things? Why do you keep these talents behind a curtain? Are they likely to get dusty? Why don’t you go off to church dancing one way, and come home dancing another way? If I had your talents, I’d be dancing a jig every time I walked down the street. I wouldn’t even pee without dancing a waltz. What are you thinking? Is this the kind of world where we hide our accomplishments? You’re a born dancer. Look how shapely your legs are.
SIR ANDREW Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a dun-colored stock. Shall we set about some revels?	SIR ANDREW That’s true. They’re strong, and they look pretty good in brown tights. Should we throw a little dance party?
SIR TOBY BELCH What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?	SIR TOBY BELCH Why not? Weren’t we both born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW Taurus! That’s sides and heart.	SIR ANDREW Taurus! That governs the torso and heart, doesn’t it?
SIR TOBY BELCH No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper. Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!	SIR TOBY BELCH No, the legs and thighs. Let me see you dance. (SIR ANDREW dances) Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!
Exeunt	They exit.