Twelfth Night

Come on, Sir Andrew. If we’re still awake after midnight, then we’re up early in the morning. And the doctors say it’s healthy to get up early—

I don’t know what the doctors say. All I know is that staying up late is staying up late.

A false conclusion. I hate your logic as much as I hate an empty drinking cup. Staying up after midnight means that you go to bed after midnight, in the wee hours of the morning, which is early. So it’s like going to bed early. Isn’t everybody made up of the four elements—earth, water, fire, and air?

That’s what they say, but I think life consists of food and booze.

You’re a smart guy. So we should eat and drink. Maria! Bring us some wine!

Look, here comes the fool.

Hello, my friends! What a pretty picture, three fools all together.

Hello, you idiot. Sing us a song.

I swear, this fool has an excellent singing voice. I’d give forty shillings to have his nice legs and his beautiful voice. (to the FOOL) Fool, you were very funny last night talking that astrological nonsense about Pigrogromitus and the Vapians passing the equinox of Queubus. Very amusing. I sent you some money to spend on your girlfriend. Did you get it?

I gave your little present to my girlfriend because you can’t get a grip on Malvolio’s nose to whip your horse with it. My girlfriend has beautiful white hands, and great warriors aren’t mom-and-pop diners, you know.

Ha, ha! I love it when you talk nonsense—that’s what fools should do. Come on now, sing for us.

(giving the FOOL money) Yes, come on. Here’s sixpence for you. Let’s hear a song.

(giving the FOOL money) Here’s something from me too. If one knight gives—

Would you rather hear a love song or a song about the good life?

A love song, a love song.

Yes, yes. I’m not interested in being good.

(he sings)

Oh my lover, where are you roaming? Stay and listen! Your true love’s coming, the one who can sing both high and low: Don’t roam any further, pretty darling. Your journey ends when you meet a lover, as every wise man’s son knows.

That was excellent, really excellent.

Good, very good.

(singing)

What is love? It isn’t in the future. When you’re having fun now, you’re laughing right now. The future’s unsure, and there’s no reason to waste time. Come kiss me while you’re twenty. You won’t be young forever.

A beautiful voice, I swear.

His breath stinks.

Yes, it stinks very sweetly.

If we could listen to him with our noses, we would definitely say he stinks very sweetly. So what do you say, should we sing loud enough to shake the heavens? Should we sing a round to wake up the night owl? Should we do that?

Let’s go for it. I’m a very good singer, and can sing rounds like a dog.

Then you’ll be good at catchy tunes. Dogs like to play catch.

Absolutely. Let’s dance to “You Jerk.”

You mean, “Shut up, you jerk”? That’s the song where the singers call each other jerks, right? So I’ll be forced to call you a jerk, Sir Andrew.

It won’t be the first time someone was forced to call me that. You start, Fool. It starts, “Shut up.”

I’ll never be able to start if I shut up.

That’s true. But come on, start.

You’re making a terrible racket out here! Lady Olivia told her servant Malvolio to kick you out of the house. I swear it’s true.

Lady Olivia can go to China for all I care. We’re very smart guys, and Malvolio’s Little Bo Peep. (he sings) We’re just having some fun.—Aren’t I her relative, after all? Aren’t we related? Fiddle-dee-dee, “Lady!” (singing) There lived a man in Babylon, lady, lady!

Gosh, the knight’s very good at acting like a fool.

Yes, he’s good at it when he’s in the mood, and so am I. He’s practiced more, but it comes more naturally to me.

(he sings) On the twelfth day of December—

For God’s sake, shut up!

Are you all crazy? What’s wrong with you? Are you making all this noise at this time of night because you have no manners, or because you’re just stupid? Are you trying to turn my mistress’ house into a noisy bar? Is that why you’re squealing out these ridiculous vulgar songs without lowering your voices at all? Don’t you have any respect for anything?

We respected the beat of the song, sir. So shut up!

Sir Toby, I’ve got to be frank with you. My lady told me to tell you that while she lets you stay at her house because you’re a relative, she doesn’t approve of your behavior. If you can shape up, you’re welcome to stay in the house. If you can’t, and would prefer to leave, she’s very willing to say goodbye to you.

(he sings) Goodnight, sweetheart, I’m going to leave you now.

No, good Sir Toby.

(singing) You can tell from his eyes that his life is almost over.

Is this how it’s going to be?

(singing) But I will never die.

(singing) Sir Toby, that’s a lie.

This behavior really makes you look great.

(singing) Should I tell him to go?

(singing) What if y,ou do?

(singing) Should I tell him to go, and be harsh with him?

(singing) Oh no, no, no, no, don’t you dare.

That’s out of tune, sir. You lie. (to MALVOLIO) You’re nothing more than a servant here. Do you think that just because you’re a goody two shoes, no one else can enjoy himself?

They certainly will. They’ll have double helpings, too.

You’re right. (to MALVOLIO) Go polish your steward’s chain, sir. Maria, bring us some wine!

Miss Mary, if you cared what Lady Olivia thinks about you at all, you wouldn’t contribute to this rude behavior. I assure you, she’ll find out about this.

Go and wiggle your ears!

There’s nothing I’d love more than to make a fool out of that guy somehow. I could challenge him to a duel and then not show up. That would do the trick.

Do that. I’ll write a letter challenging him to a duel on your behalf. Or I’ll deliver your insults to his face.

Dear Sir Toby, don’t do anything rash tonight. Ever since the Duke’s messenger visited Olivia, she’s been upset. As for Monsieur Malvolio, let me take care of him. I’ll make a big fool out of him, just trust me. I’ll make him famous for his stupidity. Everyone will laugh at him. I know I can do it.

Tell us something about him. Come on, tell us something.

Well, sometimes he acts like a goody two shoes.

Oh, I’ll beat him up for that!

You’re going to beat him up for being good? And what’s your brilliant reason for that, please?

I don’t have any “brilliant” reason for it, but I have a good enough reason.

He isn’t really that pure and good. He’s just a conceited flatterer. He’s a pretentious guy who aspires to speak and act like nobility. He’s proud, and he thinks he’s so stuffed full of wonderful qualities that everyone loves him. That’s the weakness I’ll use to get revenge on him.

What are you going to do?

I’ll drop some mysterious love letters in his path. He’ll think they’re addressed to him, because they’ll describe the color of his beard, the shape of his legs, the way he walks, and the expression on his face. I can make my handwriting look just like Lady Olivia’s: she and I can’t tell the difference between each other’s handwriting.

Excellent! Sounds like you’ve got a good trick in mind.

I like it too.

He’ll think these letters are from Olivia and that she’s in love with him.

Yes, that’s the idea.

He’s going to look like a total idiot.

Absolutely, you idiot.

This is going to be great!

It’s going to be fun, I promise. I know my medicine will work on him. I’ll have you two hide—and the fool too—right where he’ll find the letter. Watch his reaction. Meanwhile, let’s go to bed and dream about this. Good night.

Good night, you amazing woman, you.

She’s a fine woman, all right.

She’s a good little woman, and she adores me. What about it?

Someone adored me once, too.

Let’s go to bed, knight. Tomorrow you need to get more money sent to you.

If I can’t persuade your niece to marry me, I’m going to be in some serious financial trouble.

Get your hands on some money and everything will be all right. I know you’ll win over Olivia in the end.

I know I will too, if it’s the last thing I do.

Come on, I’ll go warm up a nice glass of sherry for us. It’s too late to go to bed now. Come on, my friend, come on.