Twelfth Night

God bless you, my friend, and your music too. Do you make your living by playing that drum?

No, sir, I live by the church.

Oh, you’re a clergyman?

No, I live by the church because I live in a house, and my house is by the church.

You could just as easily say that a king sleeps near a beggar if the beggar lives near him, or that the church is supported by your drum because it “stands by” your drum.

You’re right, sir. What a wonderful time to be alive! Sentences can be turned inside out so easily nowadays!

That’s true. People who fool around with words too much can make words act like whores—changing all the time, and immoral too.

That’s why I wish my sister didn’t have a name, sir.

Why, man?

Well, her name’s a word, and if you fooled around with it you might make her into a whore. But, you know, words have been rascals ever since people started using written contracts rather than their word of honor.

Why do you say that?

Honestly, sir, I’d need to use words to explain why, and since words are so unreliable and false, I’d rather avoid using them in a serious discussion.

I bet you’re a happy fellow who doesn’t care about anything.

You’re wrong, sir, I do care about something. But I’ll admit I don’t care for you. If that means I don’t care about anything, you should disappear right now, since you’re nothing.

Aren’t you Lady Olivia’s fool?

No, sir. Lady Olivia doesn’t want to have anything to do with foolishness. So she won’t have a fool until she gets married. Fools are to husbands as anchovies are to sardines—husbands are the bigger ones. I’m not her fool. I just make words into whores for her.

I saw you at Count Orsino’s recently.

I’m everywhere. Foolishness is all over the world, just like sunshine. I’d be sorry if people thought your master was less familiar with foolishness than my mistress is. I think I saw you there, you wise man.

Oh no, if you’re joking around with me, I’m leaving. Wait, here’s a coin for you.

Next time God sends out a shipment of hair, I hope he gives you a beard!

Oh, I know. Seriously, I’m dying for one, (to herself) I mean, I’m dying for a man who has a beard; I don’t want one to grow on my chin. (to the FOOL)* Is Lady Olivia inside?

If I had two of these coins, do you think they’d breed more coins?

Yes, if you kept them together and invested them.

I’d like to be like that famous pimp, Lord Pandarus, and get a Cressida for my Troilus.

(giving the FOOL money) I get what you’re driving at, sir. You’re a very clever beggar.

It shouldn’t be too much to ask; I’m only begging for a beggar. They say Cressida became a beggar in her old age. My lady Olivia’s inside, sir. I’ll tell them where you come from, though I don’t know who you are or what you want. I’d say I was “out of my element,” but that phrase is overused, so I’ll say I’m “out of my air.”

This guy’s wise enough to play the fool, and only clever people can do that. He pays attention to the mood and social rank of the person he’s joking with, and also to the time of day. And he doesn’t let go of his target when a distraction appears. His job requires as much effort and skill as any wise man’s occupation could. And he shows he’s very smart at playing the fool, while smart people look stupid when they play the fool.

Hello, sir.

Hello to you too, sir.

(speaking in French) May God protect you, sir.

(speaking in French) And you too, sir. I’m at your service.

(stammering) Oh, good, I am too.

My niece would like you to come in to the house, if your business here has to do with her.

I’m headed for your niece, sir. She’s the reason I’m here.

Taste your legs, sir. Please go inside.

Taste my legs? My legs stand under me, but I don’t understand what “taste your legs” means.

I mean please go into the house, sir.

I will. But now we don’t have to!

Oh, beautiful and accomplished lady, may the heavens rain odors upon you!

(to himself) That young man’s classy. “Rain odors.” That’s good.

My message is not for anyone else to hear, my lady. It’s only for your willing and receptive ear.

(to himself) “*Odors,” “willing,” and “deserving.” I’ll have to remember those words so I can use them later myself.

Close the garden door and leave me alone to hear his message.

Give me your hand, sir.

I give you my obedience and my humble service, madam.

What’s your name?

Cesario is my name—your servant’s name—fair princess.

My servant! The world’s gone downhill since fake humility started passing for compliments. You’re not my servant, young man. You’re Count Orsino’s servant.

But he’s your servant, so everything that’s his must be yours too. Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.

As for him, I never think about him. As for his thoughts, I wish he’d think about nothing at all rather than think about me all the time.

Madam, I’ve come here to try to make you like him.

Oh, please, I’m begging you, don’t mention him again. But if you want to tell me that someone else loves me, I’d enjoy hearing that more than I’d enjoy listening to angels sing.

My dear lady—

Please let me say something, I’m begging you. After you cast your magic spell on me last time, I sent you a ring. I fear it was a mistake, since I tricked my servant, myself, and you too. You probably think poorly of me after I forced that ring on you with such outrageous trickery. What else could you possibly think of me? Haven’t you totally dismissed my honor and integrity in your anger? For someone as intelligent as you the situation must be clear enough. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I can’t hide my feelings. So let me hear what you have to say.

I feel sorry for you.

That’s a step in the direction of love.

No, not at all. It’s a perfectly ordinary experience for us to feel sorry for our enemies.

Well, enough of my whining then. That’s that! I was getting carried away with fantasies I didn’t deserve to have. But I should consider myself lucky. It’s much better to be destroyed by a noble enemy than by a cruel and heartless one. (a clock strikes) Listen to that, the clock’s scolding me for wasting my time loving you. Don’t worry, young man, I won’t stalk you. And when you’re older and wiser and ready for marriage, your future wife will have a fine husband. There’s the way back home for you, due west.

Then west is where I’m headed! I wish you all the best. You do

Stay, Please, tell me what you think of me.

I think you’re denying what you really are.

If that’s true, I think the same thing about you.

You’re right. I am not what I am.

I wish you were what I wanted you to be!

Would it be better if I were that, instead of what I am? I wish I were something better, because right now I’m a big fool.

(to herself) Oh, how beautiful he is even when he’s angry and full of contempt! A murderer can hide his guilt longer than someone in love can hide her love. Love shines brightly and can’t be hidden. (to VIOLA) Cesario, I swear by the spring roses, by virginity, honor, truth, and everything, I swear I love you. I love you so much that I can’t hide my passion for you, as clever as I am. Don’t assume that because I’m pursuing you there’s no reason to pursue me. Put two and two together and realize that asking for love is good, but getting it without asking is much better.

And I swear by my youth and innocence that I’ve only got one heart and one love to give, and that I’ve never given them to a woman and never will. So goodbye, my lady. I won’t ever come to complain about my lord’s love for you again.

Then come again for another reason. You might still be able to make yourself fall in love with me, the person he loves, even though you hate me now.