King Lear

If I can disguise my voice as well as my appearance, then I’ll be able to carry out my plan perfectly. I was banished, but hopefully I can serve the very king who condemned me. I love my master, and he’ll find me very hard-working.

Don’t make me wait for dinner even a moment. Get it ready immediately.

(to KENT) Well now, who are you?

A man, sir.

What’s your profession? What do you want from me?

I profess that I’m as good as I seem—I’ll faithfully serve a master who trusts me, love those who are honest, talk with those who are wise and don’t talk too much. I’m God-fearing, I fight if I must, and I don’t eat fish.

But who are you?

An honest guy who’s as poor as the king.

If you’re as poor a subject as he is a king, you definitely are poor. What do you want?

To work as a servant.

Who do you want to work for?

You.

Do you know me?

No, sir, but there’s something about your face that makes me want to serve you.

What do you see in my face?

Authority.

What work can you do?

I can be discreet in honorable matters, ride a horse, run, tell a good story badly, and deliver a plain message bluntly. I’m good at everything that ordinary men can do. The best thing about me is that I’m hardworking.

How old are you?

Not young enough to fall in love with a woman because she sings well, but not old enough to dote on a woman for any reason. I’m forty-eight.

Follow me. You’ll work for me. If I still like you after dinner, I won’t send you away yet.—Hey, dinnertime! Dinner! Where’s my fool?—Go call my fool and have him come here.

You, sir, where’s my daughter?

I beg your pardon, sir—

What did that guy say? Call the numbskull back in here.

Where’s my fool? You’d think everyone was asleep.

So what’s going on? Where’s that dog?

He says your daughter’s not feeling well, my lord.

Why didn’t the jerk come back to me when I called him?

Sir, he told me quite bluntly that he didn’t feel like it.

Didn’t feel like it?

My lord, I don’t know what’s going on, but it seems to me that your highness isn’t being treated as politely as before. The servants, the duke, and your daughter all seem to be treating you less kindly.

Huh! Do you really mean that?

Please forgive me if I’m mistaken, my lord—but I can’t keep quiet when I think you’re being insulted.

No, you’re just reminding me of something I’ve also noticed. I’ve felt neglected recently, but I decided that it was more likely that I was being hypersensitive than that they were intentionally unkind. I’ll look into it further. But where’s my fool? I haven’t seen him for two days.

Ever since Cordelia left for France, sir, the fool has been depressed.

Let’s not talk about it. I’ve noticed it myself. Go and tell my daughter I want to speak with her.

And you, go call my fool.

You there, sir, come here please. Who am I, sir?

The father of the lady of the house, sir.

“The father of the lady of the house”? You scoundrel! You lowlife son-of-a-bitch! You dog, you peasant!

I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not any of those things.

Are you making faces at me, you scoundrel? (he hits OSWALD)

I won’t be hit, my lord.

(tripping OSWALD) Or tripped, you lowlife football player?

(to KENT) Thank you, sir. You serve me well, and I’ll love you for it.

(to OSWALD) Come on, sir, get up and get out of here! I’ll teach you to respect your betters. If you want me to trip you again, then stick around. If not, get going. Go on. Do you know what’s good for you? There you go.

Now, my friendly servant, thank you.

(giving KENT money) Here’s a token of my gratitude.

Wait, let me hire him too.—Here’s my fool’s cap, a token of my gratitude. (he offers KENT his cap)

Well hello, my good boy. How are you doing?

(to KENT) Guy, you’d better take my cap.

Why, Fool?

Why? For standing up for this unpopular king. No, if you can’t adjust to political changes, you’ll suffer for it. There, take my fool’s cap. This guy here has banished two of his daughters and blessed the third one without intending to. If you work for him, you’re a fool and should wear a fool’s cap.—So how’s it going, uncle? I wish I had two fool’s caps and two daughters.

Why, my boy?

If I gave them all I own, I’d have two fool’s caps for myself. Here’s mine. Ask your daughters for another one.

Watch out, boy—remember I can whip you.

I get whipped like a dog for telling the truth, while Lady Bitch gets to stand around the fire and stink the place up with her false words.

A constant pain to me!

I’ll recite something for you, guy.

Yes, do that.

Listen up, uncle.

Have more than you show,

Speak less than you know,

Lend less than you owe.

Ride more than you walk,

Don’t believe everything you hear,

Don’t bet everything on one throw of the dice,

Leave behind your booze and your whore,

And stay indoors,

And you’ll end up with more

Than two tens to a twenty.

That makes no sense, Fool. It’s nothing.

In that case it’s like the words of an unpaid lawyer. You paid me nothing for it. Can’t you make any use of nothing, uncle?

Why, no, boy. Nothing can be made out of nothing.

(to KENT) Please tell him that his income is nothing, now that he’s given his lands away. He won’t believe a fool.

You’re a bitter fool.

Do you know the difference, my boy, between a bitter fool and a sweet one?

No, son. Tell me.

Bring here

The gentleman who advised you

To give away your land.

You can stand in his place.

The sweet and bitter fool

Will appear right away.

The sweet fool in a fool’s costume—that’s me.

The bitter one is the other one—that’s you.LEAR

Are you calling me a fool, boy?

Well, you’ve given away all your other rightful titles. The title of “fool” is the only one left.

This isn’t entirely a joke, your highness.

No. I wish I could be a complete joker—but so many lords and important men are also playing fools that I can’t have a monopoly on it. Ladies too—they’re always snatching away my role as the biggest fool.—Uncle, give me an egg, and I’ll give you two crowns.

Which two crowns would those be?

Well, when I cut the egg in half and eat the whites, the yolk will be in two parts like two golden crowns. When you cut your own crown and kingdom in half and gave away both parts, you were as foolish as the old man in the old story who carries his donkey on his back instead of letting the donkey carry him. You didn’t have much brains inside the bald crown of your head when you gave away the gold crown of your kingdom. If I’m telling the truth like a fool in saying all this, whip the first person who thinks I sound foolish.

(he sings)

Fools have had a hard time this year.

They’ve been displaced by wise men who’ve grown foolish.

These men no longer know how to use their brains,

And they don’t know how to behave except by foolishly imitating others.

When did you become so fond of singing, boy?

I’ve been singing ever since you made your daughters into your mothers by giving them all your power. That’s when you gave them the spanking paddle and pulled your pants down,

(he sings)

Then your daughters wept for joy,

And I sang in sadness,

Seeing such a king become

A child and a fool.

Please, uncle, hire a teacher who can teach your fool to lie. I want to learn how to lie.

If you lie, boy, we’ll have you whipped.

I’m amazed how similar you and your daughters are. They want to whip me for telling the truth, you want to whip me for lying, and sometimes I’m even whipped for keeping quiet. I’d rather be anything besides a fool. And yet I wouldn’t want to be you, uncle. When you gave away pieces of your kingdom, it’s as if you cut off pieces on both sides of your brain and left nothing in the middle. Here comes the owner of one piece.

What’s going on, daughter? Why are you frowning like that? I think you’ve been frowning too much recently.

(to LEAR) You were better off when you didn’t have to care whether she frowned or not. Now you’re a big zero, with no digit in front of it to give it value. I’m better than you are—I’m a fool and you’re nothing.

(to GONERIL) Yes, I promise I’ll shut up. That’s what you’re telling me with that expression on your face, even though you don’t say anything. Mum, mum,

The man who gives away his crust and his crumbs

Will discover that he needs some crumbs back.

(pointing at LEAR) That guy is an empty pea pod.

(to LEAR) It’s not just your fool here who can say whatever he wants, but your whole obnoxious entourage keeps whining and arguing, bursting out in intolerably vicious riots. Sir, I thought you could put an end to all this if I told you about it. But judging by what you’ve said and done recently, I’m worried that you don’t mind this chaos, and even approve of it. If that’s true, it’s shameful. I realize that restraining your knights will damage your reputation with them—and under ordinary circumstances it would be unfortunate to have them see you as an ogre. However, this is an extreme situation, and it’s more important to control it than to worry about how you’ll look.

You know, uncle,

A sparrow once raised a cuckoo in its nest

Until the cuckoo grew up and bit the sparrow’s head off.

So the candle went out and now we’re all in the dark.

Are you my daughter?

Come on, sir. I know you’re very wise, and I wish you would use some of that wisdom to snap out of this mood you’ve been in lately and be your true self again.

Even an idiot knows when the normal order has been inverted and the cart is pulling the horse. Whoo-hoo, honey, I love you!

Does anyone here know who I am? I’m not Lear. Does Lear walk and talk like this? Where are his eyes? Either his mind is losing its grip or his judgment is screwy.—Hey, am I awake? I don’t think so. Who can tell me who I am?

You’re Lear’s shadow.

I’d like to find out who I am, since the obvious signs around me wrongly indicate that I’ve got daughters.

Daughters who can make you obey them.

(to GONERIL) What’s your name, my dear lady?

This fake astonishment of yours is just like your other pranks. I’m asking you to understand my point of view. Since you’re old and respected, you should be wise. But you’re keeping a hundred knights here who are so disorderly, vulgar, and obnoxious that our noble court is starting to look like a noisy cheap hotel. They’re such oversexed gluttons that I feel like we’re living in a pub or a whorehouse rather than a respectable palace. It’s shameful, and we have to make some changes right away. Please, as a favor to me—and if you don’t do it for me, I’ll do it myself—reduce the number of your knights a little. Keep the ones who are older, like you, and who act their age.

Hell and damnation! Saddle up my horses. Call my knights together. I won’t bother you any more, you monstrous bastard. You’re not really my daughter, but I still have one daughter left.

You hit my servants, and your disorderly mob of knights treat their superiors like servants.

You’ll be sorry later, but it’ll be too late. (to ALBANY) Oh, sir, are you here now? You decided to come? Answer me, sir. (to attendants) Get my horses ready.

Ingratitude is always hideous, but an ungrateful child is uglier than a sea monster!

Please, sir, be patient.

(to GONERIL) You disgusting vulture, you’re a liar! My knights are the finest men who can attend a king, and they meticulously uphold their reputation. Oh, how ugly did Cordelia’s small flaw appear! And now Cordelia’s small flaw has bent me completely out of shape and sucked all the love out of my heart. Oh, Lear, Lear, Lear! (he hits himself on the head) Let me beat this portal that let my good sense out and my foolishness in!— Go, go, people.

My lord, I have no idea what’s upset you, but whatever it is, I had nothing to do with it.

That may be true, my lord. Ah, dear Nature, my goddess, listen to me! Change your plans if you ever intended for this woman to have children. Make her sterile and dry up her womb so that no baby will ever come out of her body and honor her. If she must give birth, make her child a bad seed who will torment her, give her a forehead wrinkled with worry, make her cry until her cheeks are sunken. Let it be a wicked child who mocks the mother who cares for it. Make my daughter feel—make her feel how an ungrateful child hurts worse than a snakebite.—Now let’s leave. Go!

Dear gods in heaven, what’s the reason for this?

Don’t even bother to ask the reasons. Just let him rant and rave. He’s senile.

What, fifty of my knights dismissed all at once? In only two weeks?

What are you talking about, sir?

I’ll tell you. (to GONERIL) I’m ashamed that you have the power to upset me like this, as though you’re worth the tears you’re making me shed. Damn you! May you feel every pain a father’s curse can bring! If I cry again because of you, I’ll rip my eyes out of their sockets and throw them and their wet tears down to moisten the earth. Has it come to this? Then so be it. I have one more daughter who I’m sure is kind. When she hears what you’ve done to me, she’ll tear up your wolflike face with her fingernails. And then you’ll see that despite what you thought, I’ll be as powerful as I was before. You’ll see, I promise you.

Did you hear that?

Goneril, you know how much I love you, but still I have to say—

Shush, please. Come, sir, no more.—Oswald, come here! (to FOOL) And you, sir, you’re more of a rascal than a fool. Go follow your master.

Uncle Lear, uncle Lear, wait. Take your fool with you.

A fox you’ve trapped

And such a daughter

Should both be slaughtered,

If my fool’s cap is worth a rope to bind them.

So the fool follows you.

My father can’t think straight—a hundred knights! Just imagine the risk we run in letting him keep a hundred knights around! He could use them to strong-arm us into bowing to every little whim of his, and keep us at his mercy.—Oswald, where are you?

You may be exaggerating the risks.

That’s better than exaggerating our trust. It’s always better to get rid of what you’re scared of than to be afraid. I know how his mind works. I’ve written to my sister telling her everything he’s said. If she welcomes him and his hundred knights after I’ve shown how inappropriately he’s behaved—

Here, ma’am.

Well, Oswald? Have you written that letter to my sister yet?

Yes, ma’am.

Take some men and horses and go to her. Tell her everything that worries me. Add details of your own to back up what I’m saying. Now go, and hurry back.

No, no, my husband, I’m not angry that you urge me to deal more gently with my father. But you’re showing a lack of wisdom that that is much more noticeable than your tenderness toward him.

Maybe you know more than I do. But people often screw things up trying to make them better.

No, not at all—

All right, all right. Time will tell.