Measure for Measure

I’ve got as many friends here as I did back at the brothel. You’d think it were Mistress Overdone’s very own house, so many of her old customers are here. First, here’s young Mister Hasty; he’s in for debt, having paid 197 pounds for some coarse brown paper and old ginger candy, and making back only three pounds selling it. Ginger wasn’t much in demand, because the old ladies were all dead. Then there’s one Mister Pirouette, defendant in a suit about four suits, brought by Mister Thick Velvet, the textile merchant. He’s being impeached over peach-colored satin. Then we’ve also got young Ditsy, and young Mister Cross-My-Heart, and Mister Cubic Zirconia and Mister Cheapskate, armed to fight duels, and young Kill-Heir who murdered robust Stuffed-Guts, and Mister Forward-Thrust the fighter, and dressed-to-kill Mister Shoe-Buckle, the world-traveler, and wild Half-Pint who stabbed Pots, and, I think, forty more gents—all great clients of our business, who now sing that old prison refrain, “Give us food for the Lord’s sake.”

You there, bring Barnardine here.

Mister Barnardine! You’ve got to get up, and get onto the scaffold. Mister Barnardine!

Hey, Barnardine!

(offstage) Damn your throats! Who’s making all that noise? Who are you?

Your friends, sir, the hangmen. Please be so good, sir, as to rise and be put to death.

(offstage) Go away, scoundrel. Away! I’m sleepy.

Tell him he has to wake up, and quickly too.

Please, Mister Barnardine, stay awake till you’re executed, and sleep afterwards.

Get in there and fetch him.

He’s coming, sir, he’s coming. I hear the straw on his cell floor rustling.

Is the axe on the block, man?

Very ready, sir.

How goes it, Abhorson? What’s the news with you?

Actually, sir, I’d like you to get on with your prayers, because the warrant’s arrived.

You jerk, I’ve been drinking all night. I’m not ready for it.

Oh, all the better, sir, for he who drinks all night and is hanged early in the morning may sleep better all the next day.

Look, sir, here comes your holy confessor. Think we’re joking now?

Sir, out of my sense of charity, and hearing how hastily you have to leave, I came to advise you, comfort you, and pray with you.

Not me, friar. I’ve been drinking hard all night, and either I get more time to prepare, or they’ll have to beat out my brains with clubs. I won’t agree to die today, that’s for sure.

Oh, sir, you must, and so I beg you to look forward to the journey you’re going on.

I swear I will not die today, no matter who tries to persuade me.

But listen—

Not a word: if you got anything to say to me, come to my cell. I’m not leaving it today.

Unfit to live or die, that stony heart! After him, boys. Bring him to the block.

Now, sir, how is the prisoner?

A creature unprepared, unfit for death. To send him off in his current frame of mind would be damnable.

Here in prison, father, a notorious pirate named Ragozine just died this morning of a terrible fever. He was Claudio’s age, with the same color beard and hair. What if we forget about this reprobate until he’s agreeable, and send the deputy Ragozine’s head, which is more like Claudio’s?

Oh, this is a heaven-sent chance! Do it at once. It’s getting near the time Angelo set for the execution. See that it’s done, and the head sent, as ordered. Meanwhile, I’ll persuade this uncivilized wretch to die willingly.

We’ll do it, good father, immediately. But Barnardine must die this afternoon. And what do we do with Claudio, to save me from the danger of word getting out that he’s alive?

Let’s do this: put both Barnardine and Claudio in secret cells. Before two more days, it’ll be obvious you’re safe.

I’m in your hands.

Hurry, get the head and send it to Angelo.

Now I’ll write letters to Angelo. The provost can deliver them. They’ll say I’m close to home and it’s of the utmost importance that I make a big public entrance. I’ll ask him to meet me at the holy springs three miles out of town. And from there, step by cool step, and observing all the proper procedures, I’ll deal with Angelo.

Here’s the head. I’ll carry it myself.

Suitable, isn’t it? Come back soon, because I want to talk with you about things that are for your ears only.

I’ll be as fast as I can.

(offstage) Hello! Peace to all here!

That’s Isabel’s voice. She’s here to see if her brother’s pardon has come yet. But I’ll hide the news for her own good, to turn her despair into divine comfort when she least expects it.

May I come in?

Good morning to you, fair and gracious daughter.

All the better a morning when so holy a man says it to me. Has the deputy sent my brother’s pardon yet?

He has released him, Isabel, from the world. His head is off and sent to Angelo.

No, it’s not true.

It is. Be smart, daughter, and keep control of yourself.

Oh, I’ll go and tear his eyes out!

They won’t let you see him.

Unhappy Claudio! Wretched Isabel! Cruel world! Damned Angelo!

This neither hurts him nor helps you a bit. Control yourself and leave your case to heaven. Pay attention to what I say. Every syllable is truth you can rely on. The duke’s coming home tomorrow—no, dry your eyes. His confessor, who belongs to our monastery, gave me this information. He’s already sent word to Escalus and Angelo, who are preparing to meet him at the gates and surrender their authority to him there. If you can, steer your mind along the path I want it to follow. You’ll have your desire inflicted on this wretch, the favor of the duke, revenge to your heart’s content, and general acclaim.

I’ll do whatever you say.

Then give this letter to Friar Peter. It’s the one he sent me about the duke’s return. It’ll be a sign that I want to meet him at Mariana’s house tonight. I’ll tell him all about her case and yours, and he’ll bring you before the duke, and you can thoroughly accuse Angelo face-to-face. My poor self is bound by a sacred vow, so I won’t be there. (giving the letter) Go with this letter. Banish those worried tears with a light heart. Never trust my holy order again if I steer you wrong. Who’s here?

Good evening. Friar, where’s the provost?

Not inside, sir.

Oh, pretty Isabella, I’m sick at heart to see your eyes so red, but try to calm down. I have to dine on plain bread and water—to control my desire, I don’t fill my belly, since one big meal would get me excited. But they say the duke will be here tomorrow. I swear, Isabel, I loved your brother. If the good old whimsical duke, who loved to fool around in dark places, had been at home, Claudio would’ve lived.

Sir, the duke is nothing at all like you report.

Friar, you don’t know the duke as well as I do. He’s more of a womanizer than you think.

Well, you’ll pay for this one day. Goodbye.

No, wait. I’ll go along with you. I can tell you some great tales about the duke.

You’ve already told me too many, sir, if they’re true. If they’re not true, I don’t want to hear any.

I appeared before him once for getting a girl pregnant.

Did you do such a thing?

Yes, I did, but I denied it under oath. They would’ve made me marry the rotten whore otherwise.

Sir, you look a lot nicer than you are. Goodbye.

I swear, I’ll go with you to the end of the lane. If dirty talk offends you, we’ll avoid it. No, friar, I’m like a kind of burr—I’ll stick to you.