Much Ado About Nothing

Really, my lord, why are you so excessively sad?

The things that cause my sadness are without limit. Therefore my sadness is without limit.

You should listen to reason. Then you’d stop being so gloomy.

And after I have sat and listened to reason, what’s my prize?

If not an end to your suffering, then at least you’ll have the means to endure it patiently.

I’m amazed that you—being such a moody man yourself—are moralizing about my deadly condition. I can’t hide what I am. I’ll be sad when I have reason to be sad and won’t smile at anybody’s jokes. I’ll eat when I’m hungry and won’t wait until it’s convenient. I’ll sleep when I’m tired and won’t rouse myself for anything. I’ll laugh when I’m happy and won’t flatter and fawn over anyone.

Sure, but don’t do it at full volume until there’s no danger in it. Not long ago you challenged and opposed your brother, and it is only very recently that he has forgiven you. You need to act carefully if you’re going to stay in his good graces. You have to wait for the appropriate time to let loose.

I’d rather be a weed in a hedge than a rose in my brother’s garden. It suits me more to be hated by everyone than to put on a fancy show and trick people into loving me. Though I am not a flattering, righteous man, at least you can say that I am honest about being a villain. My brother trusts me now? Yeah—as much as a master trusts the dog he muzzles or the peasant he “frees” by chaining a big block around the man’s foot. If my mouth were unrestrained, I’d bite. If I were free, I’d do what I pleased. Until that happens, let me be who I am and don’t try to change me.

Can’t you somehow use your dissatisfaction to your own advantage?

I use it all the time, since it’s all that I have. Who’s that?

What’s going on, Borachio?

I just came from a great feast where Leonato is entertaining the Prince, your brother. I can give you information about an intended marriage.

Will this give me an opportunity to make some mischief? Who is this fool who wants all the fuss of marriage?

Your brother’s right-hand man.

Who? That pretty boy, Claudio?

That’s the one.

He’s a very fancy gentleman. And who’s the girl who has caught his eye?

Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.

A lively young one! How did you learn about this?

I was hired to perfume all the rooms in Leonato’s house. As I was working on one musty room, the Prince and Claudio entered. They were in the middle of a serious conversation. I quickly hid behind a tapestry and heard them agree that the Prince would court Hero tonight at the dance and, once he won her consent to marry, would give her to Claudio.

Come, let’s go to the dance. This just may cheer me up. Claudio, the young upstart, was responsible for keeping me from gaining power over my brother. If there’s any way I can spoil his life, I’ll be overjoyed. You’ll both help me, right?

Until the day we die, my lord.

Let’s go to this great feast. They’ll be even happier now that my mood has lightened. It’s too bad the cook doesn’t think like me; she would have poisoned them all if she did. Should we go check out the scene?

Lead the way, sir.