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Enter DOGBERRY,VERGES, andSEXTON, in gowns; and the Watch, withCONRADE and BORACHIO |
DOGBERRY, VERGES, the SEXTON (in his official gown), and theWATCHMEN enter, bringing CONRADE and BORACHIO. |
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DOGBERRY
Is our whole dissembly appeared? |
DOGBERRY
Is our whole dissembly here? |
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VERGES
Oh, a stool and a cushion for the Sexton. |
VERGES
Oh, we need a stool and a cushion for the sexton. |
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A stool is brought in. SEXTON sits |
A stool is brought in. The SEXTON sits down. |
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SEXTON
Which be the malefactors? |
SEXTON
Which ones are the malefactors? |
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DOGBERRY
Marry, that am I and my partner. |
DOGBERRY
Sir, that would be me and my partner. |
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VERGES
Nay, that’s certain; we have the exhibition to examine. |
VERGES
Yes, yes, we’ve been exhibitioned to examine this case. |
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SEXTON
But which are the offenders that are to be examined? Let them come before Master Constable. |
SEXTON
No, you’ve misunderstood me—where are the criminals whom I’m supposed to examine? Have them come in front of the master constable. |
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DOGBERRY
Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend? |
DOGBERRY
Yes, indeed, bring them before me. |
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BORACHIO andCONRADE come forward |
BORACHIO and CONRADE come forward. |
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What’s your name, friend? |
What’s your name, friend? |
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BORACHIO
Borachio. |
BORACHIO
Borachio. |
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DOGBERRY
Pray, write down, “Borachio.”—Yours, sirrah? |
DOGBERRY
Please, write down “Borachio.”—And yours? |
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CONRADE
I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade. |
CONRADE
I’m a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade. |
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DOGBERRY
Write down “Master Gentleman Conrade.”—Masters, do you serve God? |
DOGBERRY
Write down “Master Gentleman Conrade.”—Gentlemen, are you good Christians, and do you serve God? |
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CONRADE, BORACHIO
Yea, sir, we hope. |
CONRADE, BORACHIO
Yes, sir, we hope so. |
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DOGBERRY
Write down that they hope they serve God; and write God first, for God defend but God should go before such villains!—Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves? |
DOGBERRY
Write down that they hope they serve God. Oh, and write “God” first—for God forbid we put these criminals before God!—Gentlemen, it’s already been proven that you aren’t much better than lying criminals, and soon we’ll know almost for certain. How do you both plead? |
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CONRADE
Marry, sir, we say we are none. |
CONRADE
Honestly, sir, we say that we are not criminals. |
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DOGBERRY
A marvelous witty fellow, I assure you, but I will go about with him.—Come you hither, sirrah, a word in your ear. Sir, I say to you it is thought you are false knaves. |
DOGBERRY
He’s a marvelously witty fellow, no doubt, but I’ll outmaneuver him.—Come over here; I’ll whisper a word in your ear. Sir, I tell you we believe you’re both lying criminals. |
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BORACHIO
Sir, I say to you we are none. |
BORACHIO
Sir, I tell you that we are not. |
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DOGBERRY
Well, stand aside.—’Fore God, they are both in a ale. Have you writ down that they are none? |
DOGBERRY
Well, okay.—I swear to God, both their stories match. Have you written that down, that they aren’t criminals? |
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SEXTON
Master Constable, you go not the way to examine. You must call forth the watch that are their accusers. |
SEXTON
Master Constable, you’re going about this all wrong. First, you have to speak to the watchmen who accused them. |
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DOGBERRY
Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way.—Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you in the Prince’s name, accuse these men. |
DOGBERRY
Yes, good idea; that’s the eftest way. Bring the watchmen forward. Gentlemen, I order you in the Prince’s name to accuse these men. |
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FIRST WATCHMAN
This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a villain. |
FIRST WATCHMAN
This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a villain. |
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DOGBERRY
Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince’s brother villain. |
DOGBERRY
Write down that Prince John is a villain. Why, that’s flat-out perjury—to call a prince’s brother a villain. |
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BORACHIO
Master Constable— |
BORACHIO
Master Constable— |
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DOGBERRY
Pray thee, fellow, peace. I do not like thy look, I promise thee. |
DOGBERRY
Be quiet, you. I swear, I don’t like the look of you. |
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SEXTON
(to Watch) What heard you him say else? |
SEXTON
(to the watchmen) What else did you hear him say? |
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SECOND WATCHMAN
Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully. |
SECOND WATCHMAN
That Don John had given him a thousand pieces of gold for wrongfully accusing the Lady Hero. |
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DOGBERRY
Flat burglary as ever was committed. |
DOGBERRY
That’s burglary, that is. |
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VERGES
Yea, by Mass, that it is. |
VERGES
Yes, by God, that it is. |
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SEXTON
What else, fellow? |
SEXTON
What else did you hear? |
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FIRST WATCHMAN
And that Count Claudio did mean upon his words to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her. |
FIRST WATCHMAN
I heard that Count Claudio meant to disgrace Hero in front of the whole wedding party and refuse to marry her. |
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DOGBERRY
(to BORACHIO) O villain! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this. |
DOGBERRY
(to BORACHIO) Oh, you villain! You’ll be condemned to everlasting redemption for this! |
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SEXTON
What else? |
SEXTON
What else? |
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FIRST WATCHMAN
This is all. |
FIRST WATCHMAN
That’s all. |
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SEXTON
And this is more, masters, than you can deny. Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away. Hero was in this manner accused, in this very manner refused, and upon the grief of this, suddenly died.—Master Constable, let these men be bound and brought to Leonato’s. I will go before and show him their examination. |
SEXTON
(to CONRADE and BORACHIO) You can’t deny this, gentlemen. This morning, Prince John secretly snuck out of Messina. Hero was accused exactly as the watchman described, and died on the spot from the grief. Master Constable, tie up these men and bring them to Leonato’s. I’ll get there first and tell him what we found out. |
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Exit |
He exits. |
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DOGBERRY
Come, let them be opinioned. |
DOGBERRY
Come on, let’s get them opinioned. |
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VERGES
Let them be in the hands— |
VERGES
Let them be in the hands— |
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CONRADE
Off, coxcomb! |
CONRADE
Get off me, you fool! |
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DOGBERRY
God’s my life, where’s the Sexton? Let him write down the Prince’s officer “coxcomb.” Come, bind them.—Thou naughty varlet! |
DOGBERRY
Honest to God, where’s the sexton? He should write down that the Prince’s officer was called a fool. Come on, tie them up. (to CONRADE) You’re a nasty little stinker! |
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CONRADE
Away! You are an ass, you are an ass! |
CONRADE
Get away from me, you ass! You ass! |
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DOGBERRY
Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? Oh, that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass, though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.—No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow and, which is more, an officer and, which is more, a householder and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to, and a rich fellow enough, go to, and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and everything handsome about him.—Bring him away.—Oh, that I had been writ down an ass! |
DOGBERRY
How can you call me that? Don’t you suspect my office? Don’t you suspect my age? Oh, if only the sexton were here to write down that I’m an ass! Gentlemen, remember that I am an ass; even though it’s not written down, don’t forget that I’m an ass. Oh, you’re a rotten bastard, you are. I’m a wise man and, what’s more, I’m an officer of the law and, what’s more, I’m a householder and, what’s more, I’m as handsome a hunk of meat as any in Messina. And I know the law, damn you, and I’m rich enough, damn you, and I used to have more, but I still have two robes and lots of lovely things.—Take him away!—Oh, if only the sexton had recorded that I’m an ass! |
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Exeunt |
They all exit. |