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The Comedy of Errors

Act 2, Scene 2

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE enters.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave Is wandered forth, in care to seek me out. By computation and mine host’s report, I could not speak with Dromio since at first I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE The gold I gave Dromio is safe and sound at the Centaur, and the inn host says that Dromio has left and is looking for me. I haven’t spoken to him since I sent him away from the marketplace earlier. Here he comes.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.
How now, sir? is your merry humor altered? As you love strokes, so jest with me again. You know no Centaur? You received no gold? Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner? My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad, That thus so madly thou didst answer me?	So, sir. Are you over your ridiculous mood? If you like being hit, crack some more jokes. You never heard of the Centaur? You weren’t given any gold? Your mistress sent for me to come to dinner? The Phoenix is my house? Were you mad when you spoke to me so madly?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE What answer, sir? When spake I such a word?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Said what, sir? When did I say all that?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Even now, even here, not half an hour since.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Just now. Right here. Less than half an hour ago.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I did not see you since you sent me hence, Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I haven’t seen you since you sent me to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner, For which, I hope, thou felt’st I was displeased.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You moron, you denied having any gold, and you told me about a mistress and a lunch. And I hope you realized I wasn’t very happy about it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am glad to see you in this merry vein. What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I’m glad to see you in such a merry mood. But what’s the joke? Please, master, tell me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth? Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that and that. (beats DROMIO OF SYRACUSE)	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What, are you mocking me to my face? You think I’m joking? Here. Take that, and that! (beats DROMIO OF SYRACUSE)
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is earnest. Upon what bargain do you give it me?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Stop, sir, for God’s sake! Now this joke has turned serious. Why are you doing this?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Because that I familiarly sometimes Do use you for my fool and chat with you, Your sauciness will jest upon my love And make a common of my serious hours. When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport, But creep in crannies when he hides his beams. If you will jest with me, know my aspect, And fashion your demeanor to my looks, Or I will beat this method in your sconce.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Just because I act familiar with you sometimes and let you fool around and joke with me, you try to take advantage of my affection. You pull pranks when I’m in a serious mood. You know, foolish gnats come out in the sunshine, but they creep back into their holes when it’s dark. If you want to crack jokes, first check what kind of mood I’m in and then adjust your behavior to suit me. If you don’t learn this rule, I’ll have to beat it into your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE “Sconce” call you it? So you would leave battering, I had rather have it a “head.” An you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce it too, or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I pray, sir, why am I beaten?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE You call it my “sconce”? I’d rather call it my “head” so you’d stop battering it. If you keep pounding me, I’ll need a sconce to wrap my head with, or else I’ll have to keep my brain in my chest. But sir, why are you beating me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Dost thou not know?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Don’t you know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE All I know is that I’m being beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Shall I tell you why?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Should I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Ay, sir, and wherefore, for they say every why hath a wherefore.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, and wherefore. You know the old saying: “Every ’why’ has a ’wherefore.’”
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE “Why” first: for flouting me; and then “wherefore”: for urging it the second time to me.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE “Why” first: for defying me. And then “wherefore”: for doing it a second time.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season, When in the “why” and the “wherefore” is neither rhyme nor reason? Well, sir, I thank you.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I don’t think any man’s ever been beaten for a “why” and “wherefore” that made so little sense. Well, thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thank me, sir, for what?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thank me? For what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because you gave me something for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinnertime?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Next time I’ll give you nothing for something. Is it lunchtime?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, sir, I think the meat wants that I have.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No. The meat lacks something that I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE In good time, sir, what’s that?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE What would that be?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Basting.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE A basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, then ’twill be dry.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, then it will be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If it be, sir, I pray you, eat none of it.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE If it is, I suggest you don’t eat it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Your reason?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why not?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Lest it make you choleric and purchase me another dry basting.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because it will make you angry, and that will get me another beating.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, sir, learn to jest in good time. There’s a time for all things.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Well, learn to make jokes at the appropriate time. There’s a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I durst have denied that before you were so choleric.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Before you got so angry, I never would have thought that.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By what rule, sir?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why not?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of Father Time himself.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I’ll tell you: it’s because of a law as plain as Father Time’s bald head.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Let’s hear it.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Let’s hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE There may be a time for everything, but no man who has gone bald naturally can get his hair back.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE May he not do it by fine and recovery?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Can’t he get it by fine and recovery?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair of another man.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Yes, he can pay a fine for a wig and then recover another man’s lost hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why is Time so cheap about giving out hair? After all, it’s plentiful in its growth.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts, and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Because animals are blessed with hair. With men, he’s been stingy with hair, but he makes up for it by giving them intelligence.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE But a lot of men have more hair than intelligence.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE And not one of them is smart enough to stop himself from going bald.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE So then, you must think that hairy men are honest and simpleminded.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The plainer dealer, the sooner lost. Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The more simpleminded they are, the sooner they lose their hair. But they have a good time doing so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE For what reason?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE For two, and sound ones too.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Two reasons. And good ones, too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Nay, not sound, I pray you.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Not good ones, please.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Sure ones, then.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Then sure ones.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE No, not sure ones when we’re talking about something unsure.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Certain ones, then.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Then certain ones.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Name them.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE The one, to save the money that he spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE One, so they can save the money they spent on hairstyling, and two, so that when their hair falls out it doesn’t land in their dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You would all this time have proved there is no time for all things.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You were supposed to be proving that there isn’t time for everything.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Marry, and did, sir: namely, e’en no time to recover hair lost by nature.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Right, and I did, sir. There’s no time to get back hair that’s fallen out.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE But your reason was not substantial why there is no time to recover.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You didn’t come up with a very good proof.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore, to the world’s end, will have bald followers.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Then I’ll change it to this: Father Time himself is bald, so for all time there will be bald men.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I knew ’twould be a bald conclusion: But soft, who wafts us yonder?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I knew you’d come up with a bald conclusion. But wait—who’s that waving to us?
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA	ADRIANA and LUCIANA enter.
ADRIANA Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown. Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects. I am not Adriana, nor thy wife. The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow That never words were music to thine ear, That never object pleasing in thine eye, That never touch well welcome to thy hand, That never meat sweet-savored in thy taste, Unless I spake, or looked, or touched, or carved to thee. How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it That thou art thus estranged from thyself? “Thyself” I call it, being strange to me, That, undividable, incorporate, Am better than thy dear self’s better part. Ah, do not tear away thyself from me! For know, my love, as easy mayest thou fall A drop of water in the breaking gulf, And take unmingled thence that drop again Without addition or diminishing, As take from me thyself and not me too. How dearly would it touch thee to the quick, Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious And that this body, consecrate to thee, By ruffian lust should be contaminate! Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me, And hurl the name of husband in my face, And tear the stained skin off my harlot brow, And from my false hand cut the wedding ring, And break it with a deep-divorcing vow? I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it. I am possessed with an adulterate blot; My blood is mingled with the crime of lust; For if we too be one, and thou play false, I do digest the poison of thy flesh, Being strumpeted by thy contagion. Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed, I live disstained, thou undishonorèd.	ADRIANA Yes, yes, Antipholus: look bewildered and frown at me. You’ve given away all your sweet looks to some other woman—I am not Adriana nor your wife. There was a time when you’d freely tell me that words were never music to your ear unless I said them, that objects never pleased your eye unless I showed them to you, that touches never pleased your hands unless they were my touches, and that food never tasted sweet to you unless I had prepared it. How is it, my husband—oh, how is it—that you have become a stranger to yourself? I say yourself because you are a stranger to me now, but when we are indivisible and united in one body, I am better than the best part of you. Ah, don’t tear yourself away from me! For you should know, my love, that it would be as easy to let a drop of water fall into the churning sea and then fish it out again, unmingled and undiminished, as it would be to take yourself from me without taking me out of myself as well. How deeply would it cut you if you heard that I had been cheating on you and that my body—which is sworn for you only—had been contaminated by vile lust? Wouldn’t you spit at me, and spurn me, and throw our marriage vows in my face? Wouldn’t you tear the mark off my whorish forehead, cut the wedding ring off my finger, and swear to divorce me? I know you would, so go ahead. For I have, in fact, committed adultery, and my blood has been contaminated by lust. Because if marriage has made us one, then when you cheat, you poison my flesh as well—your contagion makes me a prostitute. So stay faithful to me and return to your marriage bed.That way, my reputation will be protected and your honor will be intact.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not. In Ephesus I am but two hours old, As strange unto your town as to your talk, Who, every word by all my wit being scanned, Want wit in all one word to understand.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Are you talking to me, fair woman? I don’t know you. I’ve only been in Ephesus for two hours. Your talk is as strange to me as your town. I’m trying with all my wits to figure out what you mean, but I can’t understand a word of it.
LUCIANA Fie, brother, how the world is changed with you! When were you wont to use my sister thus? She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.	LUCIANA Shame on you, brother-in-law! You’ve changed so much! Why are you treating my sister like this? She sent Dromio to bring you home for lunch.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By Dromio?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Me?
ADRIANA By thee; and this thou didst return from him: That he did buffet thee and, in his blows, Denied my house for his, me for his wife.	ADRIANA You. And this is what you told me he said: that he beat you and pretended his house wasn’t his and I wasn’t his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman? What is the course and drift of your compact?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Did you talk with this woman? What kind of scheme do you have going together?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I, sir? I never saw her till this time.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Me, sir? I never saw her till now.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Villain, thou liest; for even her very words Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE You liar! You said those exact things to me back in the marketplace.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I never spake with her in all my life.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I never talked with her in my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE How can she thus then call us by our names— Unless it be by inspiration?	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Then how does she know our names? By magic?
ADRIANA How ill agrees it with your gravity To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave, Abetting him to thwart me in my mood. Be it my wrong you are from me exempt, But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt. Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine. Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine, Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state, Makes me with thy strength to communicate. If aught possess thee from me, it is dross, Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss, Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.	ADRIANA How distasteful! That a man of your stature would scheme with his servant to upset me like this. It may be my fault that you’ve been avoiding me, but don’t make things worse by treating me with contempt as well. I’ll hang on your sleeve: you’re an elm tree, my husband, and I’m a vine. My weakness is enhanced by your strength, which gives me the strength to say this: the things that take you away from me are worthless—just overgrown weeds in need of a trimming. They get into your system and infect you, feeding off your confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme. What, was I married to her in my dream? Or sleep I now and think I hear all this? What error drives our eyes and ears amiss? Until I know this sure uncertainty I’ll entertain the offered fallacy.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE She’s talking to me. She’s talking about me. What, was I married to her in a dream? Or am I asleep now and imagining all this? What is making our eyes and ears act so strangely? Until I know for sure, I’ll humor her.
LUCIANA Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.	LUCIANA Dromio, tell the servants to prepare for lunch.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner. This is the fairy land. O spite of spites! We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites: If we obey them not, this will ensue: They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Oh, I wish I had my rosary! I’ll cross myself. This must be some kind of fairyland. Oh, spite of spites! We’re speaking with goblins, owls, and demons. If we don’t obey them, they’ll suck the life out of us or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA Why prat’st thou to thyself and answer’st not? Dromio—thou, Dromio—thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.	LUCIANA Why are you mumbling to yourself instead of answering the order I gave you? Dromio, you drone, you snail, you slug, you idiot!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am transformèd, master, am I not?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I’ve been transformed somehow, haven’t I, master?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think thou art in mind, and so am I.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think your mind has been altered, and mine too.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, master, I’ve been changed in both mind and body.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Thou hast thine own form.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Your body looks the same.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I’m an ape.
LUCIANA If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.	LUCIANA If you’ve changed into anything, it’s an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE ’Tis true. She rides me, and I long for grass. ’Tis so. I am an ass; else it could never be But I should know her as well as she knows me.	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE That’s true. She’s riding me hard, and all I want to do is get out of here. I must be as stupid as an ass—that’s why I don’t know her, but she knows me.
ADRIANA Come, come, no longer will I be a fool, To put the finger in the eye and weep Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn. Come, sir, to dinner.—Dromio, keep the gate. — Husband, I’ll dine above with you today, And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks. Sirrah, if any ask you for your master, Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.— Come, sister.—Dromio, play the porter well.	ADRIANA All right, all right. I won’t play the fool anymore and just cry while my husband and his man laugh at me. Come, husband, let’s go to lunch. Dromio, guard the door. Husband, I’ll eat with you in private today and hear your confession about all the pranks you’ve pulled. Sirrah, if anyone asks where your master is, say he’s out to lunch, and don’t let anyone come in. Come, sister. Dromio, do a good job as doorkeeper.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell? Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised? Known unto these, and to myself disguised! I’ll say as they say, and persever so, And in this mist at all adventures go.	ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE Am I on earth, in heaven, or in hell? Asleep or awake? Crazy or sane? These people know me, but I don’t know myself! I’ll agree with them and keep with it, whatever happens.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, shall I be porter at the gate?	DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, should I watch the door?
ADRIANA Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.	ADRIANA Yes, and don’t let anyone come in, or else I’ll break your head.
LUCIANA Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.	LUCIANA Come come, Antipholus. We’re late for lunch.
Exeunt	They exit.