The Taming of the Shrew

(speaking as CAMBIO) Restrain yourself, fiddler! You’re too insistent. Have you forgotten how her sister Katherine thanked you for your lessons?

(speaking as LITIO) Quarrelsome teacher! This lady is the queen of heavenly harmony. Therefore allow me to claim her attention first, and after we have spent an hour on music you can have equal time for your lecture.

(as CAMBIO) Ridiculous ass! You’re not even educated enough to know why music was created. Wasn’t it to refresh the mind of man after his studies and daily toil? Therefore allow me to read philosophy with her, and then, when I am finished, indulge in your harmony.

(as LITIO) Sir, you go too far! I will not stand for it!

Gentlemen, it seems to me you’re both out of line to be laying down the law about things that are really up to me. I am no schoolboy, and I won’t be dictated to with hours and schedules. I’ll have my lessons in the order and manner I prefer. So to cut short this argument, let’s figure this out. (to HORTENSIO) You take your instrument and play awhile. He’ll be finished with his lecture before you’ve even tuned it.

(as LITIO) You’ll leave his lecture when I’m in tune?

(to himself) That will be never. (to HORTENSIO) Tune your instrument.

Where did we leave off?

Here, madam:

Hic ibat Simois, hic est Sigeia tellus,

Hic steterat Priami regia celsa senis.

Translate.

Hic ibat, as I told you before, Simois, I am Lucentio, hic est, son of Vincentio of Pisa, Sigeia tellus, disguised as a teacher so as to win your love, Hic steterat, and the fellow who comes to court you calling himself “Lucentio,” Priami, is my servant Tranio, regia, pretending to be me, celsa senis, so we can get the better of the foolish old man.

(as LITIO) Madam, my instrument’s in tune.

Let’s hear. (he plays) Oooh, no! The high note’s off.

(as CAMBIO) Spit on the tuning-peg, man, and try again.

Now let me see if I can translate it. Hic ibat Simois, I don’t know you, hic est Sigeia tellus, I don’t trust you, Hic steterat Priami, don’t let him hear you, regia, don’t take anything for granted, celsa senis, don’t give up.

(as LITIO) Madam, now it really is in tune.

(as CAMBIO) All but the low note.

(as LITIO) The low note’s fine; it’s this low-minded dog that’s out of tune! (to himself) How touchy and insistent this fellow is! I’m beginning to think he’s wooing my darling. Little professor! I’ll have to keep an eye on you.

(to LUCENTIO) In time I may come to believe you, but I’m wary.

There’s no need to be, really, for— (he breaks off, seeing that HORTENSIO is listening, and pretends to go back to the Latin lesson)—“Aeacides” is just another name for Ajax. He gets it from his grandfather.

You’re my teacher, so I must believe you. Otherwise, I would have to argue the point with you. But let it go.—Now, Litio, it’s your turn. I hope, sir, that you’re not angry that I’ve been equally attentive to you both!

(as LITIO, to LUCENTIO) You can take a break. Leave us alone, why don’t you? I don’t teach music for a threesome.

(as CAMBIO) Well, aren’t we strict! Okay, I guess I’ll have to wait. (to himself) And watch, too. For unless I’m very much mistaken, our fancy musician is turning romantic!

(as LITIO) Madam, before you take up the instrument or begin to learn the fingering, I must teach you certain fundamentals. To help you remember the scales, I’ve come up with a little trick—more fun and effective than those that any of my colleagues use. Here, I’ve written it out.

I think I know my scales by now!

(speaking as LITIO) Well, read Hortensio’s scale anyway.

(reading) “I am the scale, the basis of all harmony.

A re, Im here to argue for Hortensio’s love;

B mi, Bianca, take him for your husband,

C fa ut, he loves you with all affection;

D sol re, I have one clef but only two notes;

E la mi, have pity on me, or I’ll die.”

You call this a scale? I don’t like it. I don’t go in for these new-fangled methods. I like doing things the old-fashioned way.

Mistress, your father requests that you leave your books and come help decorate your sister’s room. You know tomorrow is her wedding day.

Farewell to both of you, dear teachers. I have to go.

(as CAMBIO) In that case, mistress, there’s no reason for me to stay.

But there’s reason for me to look more closely at this schoolmaster. He acts like a man in love. But if Bianca is so vulgar as to stoop for any man she sees, the hell with her. Whoever wants her can have her. The first time I catch her straying, it’s over. End of story.