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Enter SEBASTIAN and FOOL |
SEBASTIAN and the FOOL enter. |
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FOOL
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you? |
FOOL
Are you trying to tell me that I wasn’t sent to get you? |
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SEBASTIAN
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow. Let me be clear of thee. |
SEBASTIAN
Oh, who cares, you’re acting like a fool. Leave me alone. |
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FOOL
Well held out, i’ faith. No, I do not know you, nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so. |
FOOL
Good for you, holding out on me like this! No, I don’t know you, and my lady didn’t send me to get you, and I’m not supposed to tell you to come speak with her, and your name is not Master Cesario, and this is not my nose, either. Nothing is what it is. |
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SEBASTIAN
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else. Thou know’st not me. |
SEBASTIAN
Oh please, go somewhere else to blab your nonsense. You don’t know me. |
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FOOL
Vent my folly? He has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming? |
FOOL
Blab my nonsense? He must’ve heard that phrase describing some great man and now he’s using it on a jester. Blab my nonsense! What an idiotic place this world is. Now please stop being so strange and tell me what exactly I should blab to my lady. Should I blab to her that you’re coming? |
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SEBASTIAN
I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me. There’s money for thee. (giving money) If you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment. |
SEBASTIAN
Please, fool, go away. Here’s money for you. (giving him money) If you stay any longer, I’ll give you something worse. |
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FOOL
By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report—after fourteen years’ purchase. |
FOOL
Well, well. You’re a generous man. Wise men who give fools money might get a good reputation—if they keep up regular payments for fourteen years. |
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Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN |
SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN enter. |
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SIR ANDREW
(to SEBASTIAN) Now, sir, have I met you again? There’s for you. |
SIR ANDREW
Well, sir, we meet again? Take that. |
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SIR ANDREW strikes SEBASTIAN |
SIR ANDREW hits SEBASTIAN. |
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SEBASTIAN
(returning the blow) Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there. Are all the people mad? |
SEBASTIAN
(returning the blow) Well, then, take that, and that, and that. Is everyone here insane? |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
Stop right now or I’ll throw your dagger over the roof. |
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FOOL
(aside) This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of your coats for two pence. |
FOOL
(to himself) I’m going to tell my lady about this right away. I wouldn’t be in any of your shoes if you paid me. |
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Exit |
FOOL exits. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
(seizing SEBASTIAN) Come on, sir, hold! |
SIR TOBY BELCH
(grabbing SEBASTIAN) Come on, sir, stop! |
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SIR ANDREW
Nay, let him alone. I’ll go another way to work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against him if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that. |
SIR ANDREW
No, leave him alone. I’ll get back at him another way. I’ll sue him for assault and battery, if there’s any justice in Illyria. It doesn’t matter that I hit him first. |
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SEBASTIAN
(to SIR TOBY BELCH) Let go thy hand. |
SEBASTIAN
(to SIR TOBY BELCH) Let me go. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed. Come on. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir, I won’t let you go. Come on, put your sword away, my little soldier. You’re awfully eager to fight. Come on. |
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SEBASTIAN
I will be free from thee. |
SEBASTIAN
I’ll get free of you. |
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SEBASTIAN pulls free and draws his sword |
SEBASTIAN pulls free and draws his sword. |
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What wouldst thou now? If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword. |
What are you going to do now? If you insist on trying my patience any further, then take out your sword right now. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
What? No. Because then I’d have to shed an ounce or two of your impudent blood. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH draws his sword Enter OLIVIA |
SIR TOBY BELCH draws his sword. OLIVIA enters. |
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OLIVIA
Hold, Toby! On thy life I charge thee, hold! |
OLIVIA
Stop, Sir Toby! I order you to stop! |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Madam! |
SIR TOBY BELCH
Madam! |
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OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves, Where manners ne’er were preach’d! Out of my sight!— Be not offended, dear Cesario.— Rudesby, be gone! |
OLIVIA
Are you always going to be like this? You’re an ungrateful slob who’s only fit to live in the mountains, in caves far from civilized people where you won’t ever need good manners! Get out of my sight!—Dear Cesario, please don’t be offended.—Get out of here, you barbarian! |
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Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN |
SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN exit. |
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I prithee, gentle friend, Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway In this uncivil and unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with me to my house, And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go. Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me! He started one poor heart of mine in thee. |
Oh, my dear friend, please don’t get too upset by these rude people who bothered you. Come with me to my house. I’ll tell you about all the pointless, clumsy pranks this thug uncle of mine has come up with, so that you can laugh at this one. You have to come with me. Please don’t say no. Damn that Toby! He made my heart leap for you. |
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SEBASTIAN
(aside) What relish is in this? How runs the stream? Or I am mad, or else this is a dream. Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep. If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep! |
SEBASTIAN
(to himself) What does this mean? Where is this all going? Either I’m insane or this is a dream. I hope these delusions continue. If this is a dream, let me keep on sleeping! |
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OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou’dst be ruled by me! |
OLIVIA
Come with me, please. I wish you’d do what I ask! |
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SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will. |
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will. |
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OLIVIA
Oh, say so, and so be! |
OLIVIA
Oh, say it, and mean it! |
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Exeunt |
They exit. |