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Enter MARIA and FOOL |
MARIA and the FOOL enter. |
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MARIA
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. |
MARIA
No, I’m telling you, put on this robe and beard. Make him think you’re Sir Topas the priest. Be quick. Meanwhile, I’ll get Sir Toby. |
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Exit |
MARIA exits. |
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FOOL
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. |
FOOL
Well, I’ll put it on and disguise myself. I wish I were the first person who ever told lies in a priest’s robe. |
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FOOL puts on gown and beard |
The FOOL puts on the robe and beard. |
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I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. |
I’m not tall enough to make a believable priest, or skinny enough to look like a good student. But if you’re an honest man and a good host, that’s almost as good as being moral and studious. Here come the conspirators. |
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Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA |
SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA enter. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless thee, master Parson. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
God bless you, Mr. Priest. |
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FOOL
Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”? |
FOOL
Bonos dies, Sir Toby. As the old hermit of Prague, who couldn’t read or write, said very wittily to a niece of King Gorboduc, “Whatever is, is.” So since I’m Mr. Priest, I’m Mr. Priest. Because isn’t “that” “that,” and isn’t “is” “is”? |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
To him, Sir Topas. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to him, Sir Topas. |
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FOOL
(disguising his voice) What ho, I say! Peace in this prison! |
FOOL
(disguising his voice) Quiet down in this prison! |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
The knave counterfeits well. A good knave. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
The fool’s a good actor. A good fool. |
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MALVOLIO
(from within) Who calls there? |
MALVOLIO
(offstage) Who’s shouting? |
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FOOL
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. |
FOOL
I’m Sir Topas the priest. I’ve come to visit Malvolio the lunatic. |
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MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady— |
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, please go find my lady Olivia— |
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FOOL
Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies? |
FOOL
Get out, demon! Why are you bothering this poor man! Can’t you talk about anything besides ladies? |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
(aside) Well said, Master Parson. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
(to himself) Well said, Mr. Priest. |
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MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness. |
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, nobody’s ever been as badly treated as I’ve been. Good Sir Topas, don’t believe I’m insane, They’ve shut me up here in horrible darkness. |
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FOOL
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayest thou that house is dark? |
FOOL
You should be ashamed of yourself, Satan, you liar! I’m being gentle with you, because I’m one of those good-hearted people who are polite to the devil himself. You call this house dark? |
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MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas. |
MALVOLIO
Dark as hell, Sir Topas. |
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FOOL
Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony. And yet complainest thou of obstruction? |
FOOL
But it has bay windows that are as transparent as stone walls, and the upper windows facing south-north are as clear as coal. But you’re still complaining of darkness and a bad view? |
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MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark. |
MALVOLIO
I’m not insane, Sir Topas. I’m telling you, this house is dark. |
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FOOL
Madman, thou errest. I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. |
FOOL
You’re wrong, you madman. There’s no darkness except ignorance, and you’re more ignorant than the Egyptians during the plague of fog. |
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MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question. |
MALVOLIO
I tell you, this house is as dark as ignorance. And I tell you, no man has ever been treated worse than me. I’m no more insane than you are, and I’ll prove it. Ask me any commonsense question. |
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FOOL
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl? |
FOOL
What was the philosopher Pythagoras’ belief about wild birds? |
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MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. |
MALVOLIO
That our grandmother’s soul could end up inhabiting a bird. |
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FOOL
What thinkest thou of his opinion? |
FOOL
What do you think of his belief? |
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MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. |
MALVOLIO
I respect the soul very much, so I disagree with his belief. |
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FOOL
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. |
FOOL
Well then, goodbye. Stay in the dark. I’ll only admit that you’re sane when you agree with Pythagoras and hesitate to kill a bird because it might contain your grandmother’s soul. Goodbye. |
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MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas! |
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas! |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas! |
SIR TOBY BELCH
The brilliant Sir Topas! |
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FOOL
Nay, I am for all waters. |
FOOL
I can do anything! |
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MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not. |
MARIA
You could’ve done this without your beard and gown. He couldn’t see you. |
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SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. |
SIR TOBY BELCH
Now talk to him in your own voice, and tell me how he is. I wish this trick would be over. If we can find a convenient way to let him go, I want to do it. I’m in so much trouble with my niece that it wouldn’t be safe to let this prank go to its conclusion. Come to my room later on. |
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Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA |
SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA exit. |
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FOOL
(sings in his own voice) Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does. |
FOOL
(he sings in his own voice) Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how your lady is. |
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MALVOLIO
Fool! |
MALVOLIO
Fool! |
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FOOL
(sings) My lady is unkind, perdy. |
FOOL
(singing) My lady’s mean, and that’s a fact. |
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MALVOLIO
Fool! |
MALVOLIO
Fool! |
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FOOL
(sings) Alas, why is she so? |
FOOL
(singing) Oh, I’m sorry, why is she mean? |
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MALVOLIO
Fool, I say! |
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say! |
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FOOL
(sings) She loves another—Who calls, ha? |
FOOL
(singing) She loves someone else—Who’s shouting? |
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MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t. |
MALVOLIO
Good fool, good jester, I’ll make it worth your while if you get me a candle, and a pen, ink and paper. You have my word as a gentleman that I’ll always be grateful to you. |
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FOOL
Master Malvolio? |
FOOL
Master Malvolio? |
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MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool. |
MALVOLIO
Yes, good fool. |
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FOOL
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? |
FOOL
Poor man, how did you go insane? |
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MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art. |
MALVOLIO
Fool, no one has ever been as mistreated as I am. I’m completely sane, Fool. I’m as sane as you are. |
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FOOL
But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. |
FOOL
As sane as me? Then you really are insane, if you’re no saner than a fool. |
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MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits. |
MALVOLIO
They treat me like garbage here. They keep me in darkness, and send idiotic priests to talk to me—those asses!—and do everything they can to insist I’m insane. |
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FOOL
Advise you what you say. The minister is here. (in the voice of Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble. |
FOOL
Be careful what you say—the priest is here. (in the voice of Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, may heaven make you sane again! Try to sleep, and stop your pointless babbling. |
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MALVOLIO
Sir Topas! |
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas! |
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FOOL
(as Sir Topas) Maintain no words with him, good fellow. (in his own voice) Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God b’ wi’ you, good Sir Topas. (as Sir Topas) Marry, amen. (in his own voice) I will, sir, I will. |
FOOL
(as Sir Topas) Don’t talk to him, my friend. (in his own voice) Who, me, sir? Not me, sir. God be with you, Sir Topas, goodbye. (as Sir Topas) Well then, amen. (in his own voice) Goodbye, sir. |
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MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say! |
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, hey, fool! |
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FOOL
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you. |
FOOL
Please, sir, be quiet. What do you want to say, sir? I’ve just been scolded for speaking to you. |
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MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. |
MALVOLIO
Be a nice fool and help me find a candle and some paper. I tell you, I’m as sane as any man in Illyria. |
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FOOL
Well-a-day that you were, sir. |
FOOL
If only you were, sir. |
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MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. |
MALVOLIO
I swear I am. Get me some ink, paper, and a candle. I’ll write a letter and you’ll take it to my lady. You’ll get a bigger reward than you ever got delivering a letter before. |
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FOOL
I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? Or do you but counterfeit? |
FOOL
I’ll help you. But tell me honestly, are you sure you’re not insane? Or are you just pretending? |
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MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true. |
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I’m not. I’m telling the truth. |
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FOOL
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink. |
FOOL
I’ll never believe a madman until I can see his brains. But I’ll get you a candle and paper and ink. |
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MALVOLIO
Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, be gone. |
MALVOLIO
Fool, I’ll repay you for this favor. Please, hurry. |
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FOOL
(sings) I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain, Who, with dagger of lath In his rage and his wrath, Cries “Aha,” to the devil, Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad, Adieu, goodman devil.” |
FOOL
(he sings) I’m going now, sir, but soon I’ll be with you again, To help you resist the devil, Like the sidekick in the old plays Who shakes a wooden dagger, Fumes in rage and wrath, And shouts “Whoa!” to the devil. He yells, “Trim your nails, old man. And goodbye, Satan, you peasant.” |
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Exit |
FOOL exits. |