Much Ado About Nothing

Margaret, run into the sitting room. You’ll find Beatrice there, talking to Claudio and the Prince. Whisper to her that Ursula and I are walking in the orchard and that we’re talking all about her. Tell her you heard us, and that she should sneak into the arbor where the crisscrossing branches overhead keep the honeysuckles out of the sun. (The same honeysuckles that were once ripened in the sun; they’re like courtiers who rise because the king favors them, then plot to overthrow his Majesty.) She can hide there and eavesdrop on our conversation. This is your job. Do it well, and then leave us.

I’ll make her come right away, I promise you.

All right Ursula, as Beatrice arrives, we’ll be walking up and down this alley and speaking about nothing but Benedick. Whenever I mention him, praise him more than any man deserves. It’ll be my job to talk about how Benedick is sick with love for Beatrice. We’ll make our arrows the same way Cupid does: with gossip and rumor.

Let’s start. See, Beatrice has run over like a little bird, keeping close to the ground and trying to overhear us.

(speaking so that only HERO can hear) The best part of fishing is watching the fish cut through the water and greedily take the bait. Now we’re fishing for Beatrice, who’s hiding right now in the honeysuckle arbor. Don’t worry, I’ll do my part.

(speaking so that only URSULAcan hear) Then let’s get closer, so she can hear all the false, sweet bait we’re setting for her.— (approaching the bower) No, truly, Ursula, she’s too scornful. She’s as devious and fierce as the wild hawks on the rocks.

But are you sure that Benedick loves Beatrice that much?

That’s what the Prince and my fiancé say.

And did they ask you to tell Beatrice about this, madam?

They did want me to tell her, but I persuaded them that, if they truly loved Benedick, they would try to get him to battle his emotions and keep Beatrice in the dark.

Why did you do that? Doesn’t Benedick deserve as much luck with a mate as he would have with Beatrice?

By the god of love, I know that he deserves all that a man might possess. But Nature never made a woman’s heart as proud and tough as Beatrice’s. There is scorn and disdain in her eyes, and those sparkling eyes despise everything they look upon. She values her wit more highly than anything else, which looks weak by comparison. She’s so in love with herself, she’s incapable of loving anyone else. She can’t even imagine what “love” is.

Yes, you’re right. It would be bad if she knew about Benedick’s love and teased him about it.

It’s true. Whenever she meets a man—no matter how wise, noble, young, handsome—she rearranges all his good qualities so they end up looking bad. If he has a fair complexion, she’ll say the pretty man should be her sister, not her husband. If he’s dark-skinned, Nature must have spilled some ink while drawing his foolish face. If he’s tall, she’ll say he’s a spear topped by an odd head; if he’s short, she says he looks like a badly carved miniature. If he’s talkative, he’s a weathervane, moving in all directions at once; if he’s silent, he’s a block that can’t be moved at all. And so she turns men inside out and never acknowledges the integrity and merit that a man has.

It’s true, her nitpicking is hardly admirable.

No, it certainly is not admirable to be so perverse and eccentric. But who would dare tell her? If I said something, she’d mock me so mercilessly that I’d probably disintegrate into air. She’d laugh me right out of my body and kill me with her wit. So Benedick should conceal his emotions. Like a fire that gets covered up, Benedick should smother his love and waste away. It would be better to die that way than to die from being mocked, which is as bad as being killed by tickling.

But you should tell her about this, and hear what she has to say.

No, instead I’ll go to Benedick and advise him to fight his emotions. I’ll make up some awful things about my cousin and ruin her reputation. You don’t know how quickly affection can be killed with a single nasty word.

Oh, don’t injure your cousin like that! With the quick, intelligent wit she’s rumored to have, she can’t really be such a bad judge of character that she’d refuse a man as exceptional as Signior Benedick.

He’s the only worthy man in Italy, aside from my dear Claudio.

Don’t be angry with me for speaking my mind, but throughout Italy, Benedick is considered the best man in looks, bearing, intelligence, and bravery.

True, he has an excellent reputation.

And he deserves it, having been excellent before he had a reputation for it. When are you getting married, madam?

Tomorrow, and then every day after that. Come on, let’s go inside. I want to show you some clothing, so you can tell me what I should wear tomorrow.

(speaking so that only HERO can hear) We caught her in our trap, madam, I’m sure of it.

(speaking so that only URSULAcan hear) If so, then you never know where love will come from. Cupid gets some lovers with arrows, but some he lays traps for!

(coming forward) I’m burning up with shame! Can this be true? Do people criticize me this much for being proud and scornful? Then I’ll say goodbye to my contempt and my pride in being unmarried! No good is spoken of such a person as me behind her back. Benedick, keep on loving me and I will return your love, like a wild hawk being tamed by her handler. I’ll be kind to you from now on, and if you really do love me, that kindness will encourage you to seal our love with a wedding band. People say that you deserve my love, and I believe it—not just because they’ve said so.