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Much Ado About Nothing

Act 3, Scene 4

Enter HERO,MARGARET, and URSULA	HERO, MARGARET, andURSULA enter.
HERO Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice and desire her to rise.	HERO Good Ursula, go wake my cousin and ask her to get up.
URSULA I will, lady.	URSULA I will, lady.
HERO And bid her come hither.	HERO And request that she come here.
URSULA Well.	URSULA Very well.
Exit	She exits.
MARGARET Troth, I think your other rebato were better.	MARGARET Really, I think your other ruff is better.
HERO No, pray thee, good Meg, I’ll wear this.	HERO No, please good Meg, I’ll wear this one.
MARGARET By my troth, ’s not so good, and I warrant your cousin will say so.	MARGARET Honestly, it’s not as good as the other one, and I’m sure your cousin will agree with me.
HERO My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another. I’ll wear none but this.	HERO My cousin’s a fool, and you are too. I’ll wear this one and none other.
MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair were a thought browner; and your gown’s a most rare fashion, i’ faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown that they praise so.	MARGARET I like your new wig and headdress, though I’d like it more if the hair were a shade browner. And your gown is really stylish. You know, I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown, the one that everyone praises so highly.
HERO Oh, that exceeds, they say.	HERO Oh, they say that dress surpasses all others.
MARGARET By my troth, ’s but a nightgown in respect of yours—cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves, and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel. But for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion, yours is worth ten on ’t.	MARGARET Compared to your dress, it’s no better than a nightgown. The cloth is interwoven with gold thread, and slashes in the material show the fabric beneath. It is trimmed with silver lace and embroidered with pearls. It has one set of fitted sleeves and another ornamental pair that hangs open from the shoulders. The skirts are trimmed with a blue, metallic fabric. But for a fine, elegant, graceful, and excellent dress, yours is worth ten of those.
HERO God give me joy to wear it, for my heart is exceeding heavy.	HERO I hope I enjoy wearing it, for my heart is very heavy.
MARGARET ’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.	MARGARET It will be made even heavier soon—by the weight of a man.
HERO Fie upon thee! Art not ashamed?	HERO Watch your tongue! Have you no shame?
MARGARET Of what, lady? Of speaking honorably? Is not marriage honorable in a beggar? Is not your lord honorable without marriage? I think you would have me say, “Saving your reverence, a husband.” An bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend nobody. Is there any harm in “the heavier for a husband”? None, I think, an it be the right husband and the right wife. Otherwise, ’tis light and not heavy. Ask my Lady Beatrice else. Here she comes.	MARGARET Shame of what, lady? Sex and marriage are honorable things—even for a beggar, right? And isn’t your husband an honorable man? You’re so prudish you’d probably like me to say, “I beg your pardon, your husband”—as if husband were a dirty word! So long as suspicious minds aren’t misinterpreting my honest words, I’ll offend no one. What’s wrong with admitting your husband’s going to lie on you? Nothing, as long as it’s the right husband with the right wife. That’s right and proper—anything else is frivolous and immoral. Ask Beatrice. Here she comes.
Enter BEATRICE	BEATRICE enters.
HERO Good morrow, coz.	HERO Good morning, cousin.
BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.	BEATRICE Good morning, sweet Hero.
HERO Why, how now? Do you speak in the sick tune?	HERO Why do you sound so odd? Are you ill? You sound out of tune.
BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks.	BEATRICE I must be ill—I don’t think I can speak in any other tune.
MARGARET Clap ’s into “Light o’ love.” That goes without a burden. Do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.	MARGARET If it’s a tune we want, let’s sing “Light on Love!” It’s a light song and doesn’t require a man to sing the baritone. You sing, and I’ll dance.
BEATRICE Ye light o’ love, with your heels! Then, if your husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack no barns.	BEATRICE You’re “light on love” sure enough—your frivolous dancing proves you have light heels! When you’re married one of these days, if your husband is rolling in dough, you’ll let him roll in the hay whenever he wants.
MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.	MARGARET Never! I reject that life; I kick it away with my heels.
BEATRICE ’Tis almost five o’clock, cousin. ’Tis time you were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill. Heigh-ho!	BEATRICE (to HERO) It’s almost five o’clock, cousin. You should be ready by now. Oh, I really don’t feel well. Heigh-ho!
MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?	MARGARET Are you sighing for a hawk, a horse, or a husband?
BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H.	BEATRICE I have an ache; I’m sighing for the letter that begins all those words.
MARGARET Well, an you be not turned Turk, there’s no more sailing by the star.	MARGARET Well, if you haven’t renounced your old faith yet, we can’t trust anything anymore.
BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?	BEATRICE What does the fool mean by that, I wonder?
MARGARET Nothing, I; but God send everyone their heart’s desire.	MARGARET I don’t mean anything—but God sends everyone their heart’s desire.
HERO These gloves the Count sent me, they are an excellent perfume.	HERO The Count sent me an excellent pair of perfumed gloves.
BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin. I cannot smell.	BEATRICE Sorry, I’m all stuffed. I can’t smell a thing.
MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! There’s goodly catching of cold.	MARGARET Oh, just a young lady and already stuffed! That’s a nice way to catch a cold.
BEATRICE Oh, God help me, God help me! How long have you professed apprehension?	BEATRICE Oh, God help me! Since when have you claimed to be such a great wit?
MARGARET Even since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely?	MARGARET Ever since you lost yours. Doesn’t my wit suit me well?
BEATRICE It is not seen enough; you should wear it in your cap. By my troth, I am sick.	BEATRICE It doesn’t get seen enough; you should wear it in your cap, the way fools wear coxcombs. God, I’m really sick.
MARGARET Get you some of this distilled carduus benedictus and lay it to your heart. It is the only thing for a qualm.	MARGARET You should get some distilled carduus benedictus and put it on your chest. It’s the only way to cure a sudden faintness.
HERO There thou prick’st her with a thistle.	HERO With that you’ve managed to prick her with a thistle.
BEATRICE Benedictus! Why benedictus? You have some moral in this benedictus?	BEATRICE Benedictus! Why do you suggest I use benedictus? Is there some double meaning in that word, “benedictus”?
MARGARET Moral! No, by my troth, I have no moral meaning. I meant plain holy thistle. You may think perchance that I think you are in love. Nay, by ’r Lady, I am not such a fool to think what I list, nor I list not to think what I can, nor indeed I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love or that you will be in love or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man. He swore he would never marry, and yet now, in despite of his heart, he eats his meat without grudging. And how you may be converted I know not, but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do.	MARGARET Double meaning! No, honestly, there’s no other meaning. I just meant that you should use some holy thistle. Maybe you think that I think you’re in love. No, by Our Lady, I’m not such a fool to think what I please, and I don’t please to think what I can, and in fact I cannot think, even if I could think my heart right past thinking, that you are in love or that you will be in love or even that you can be in love. But Benedick was once an enemy of love as well, and now he’s become a real man. He swore that he’d never get married, but now, despite his earlier protestations, he loves ungrudgingly. How we’re going to convert you I’ll never know. And yet I think you look with your eyes just like every other woman does.
BEATRICE What pace is this that thy tongue keeps?	BEATRICE Why are you talking at such a crazy clip?
MARGARET Not a false gallop.	MARGARET It’s not a false gallop, anyway.
Enter URSULA	URSULA enters.
URSULA Madam, withdraw: the Prince, the Count, Signor Benedick, Don John, and all the gallants of the town are come to fetch you to church.	URSULA Madam, we have to go: the Prince, the Count, Signior Benedick, Don John, and all the gentlemen of the town have come to bring you to church.
HERO Help to dress me, good coz, good Meg, good Ursula.	HERO Good cousin, good Meg, good Ursula, come help me get dressed.
Exeunt	They all exit.