Much Ado About Nothing

Act 3, Scene 5

Enter LEONATO withDOGBERRY and VERGES

LEONATO enters withDOGBERRY andVERGES.

LEONATO

What would you with me, honest neighbor?

LEONATO

What do you want from me, my good man?

DOGBERRY

Marry, sir, I would have some confidence with you that

decerns you nearly.

DOGBERRY

Please, sir, I would like to discuss some news that decerns you greatly.

LEONATO

Brief, I pray you, for you see it is a busy time with me.

LEONATO

Be brief, please, because, as you can see, this is a busy time for me.

DOGBERRY

Marry, this it is, sir.

DOGBERRY

Indeed, sir, it is.

VERGES

Yes, in truth it is, sir.

VERGES

Yes, it truly is.

LEONATO

What is it, my good friends?

LEONATO

What’s the news, my good friends?

DOGBERRY

Goodman Verges, sir, speaks a little off the matter. An old

man, sir, and his wits are not so blunt as, God help, I would

desire they were, but, in faith, honest as the skin between

his brows.

DOGBERRY

Sorry, sir, Goodman Verges tends to ramble. He’s an old man, sir, and his wits are not as blunt as I wish they were. But truly, he’s as honest as the skin between his brows.

VERGES

Yes, I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an

old man and no honester than I.

VERGES

Yes, I thank God that I am as honest as all the other old men who are not honester than me.

DOGBERRY

Comparisons are odorous. Palabras, neighbor Verges.

DOGBERRY

Making comparisons is odorous, Verges. Get on with your story.

LEONATO

Neighbors, you are tedious.

LEONATO

Friends, you are becoming tedious.

DOGBERRY

It pleases your Worship to say so, but we are the poor duke’s

officers. But truly, for mine own part, if I were as tedious as

a king, I could find it in my heart to bestow it all of your

worship.

DOGBERRY

Thank you for saying that, your Worship, but we’re just the poor duke’s officers. But truly, if I were as tedious as a king, I would give everything to you, your Worship.

LEONATO

All thy tediousness on me, ah?

LEONATO

Oh, so you’d give me all your tediousness?

DOGBERRY

Yea, an ’twere a thousand pound more than ’tis, for I hear

as good exclamation on your Worship as of any man in the

city, and though I be but a poor man, I am glad to hear it.

DOGBERRY

Yes, even if I had a thousand more pounds than that, for I hear that you are exclaimed throughout the city, and though I am only a poor man, it makes me glad to hear it.

VERGES

And so am I.

VERGES

Me, too.

LEONATO

I would fain know what you have to say.

LEONATO

Gentlemen, please, I’d like to hear your news.

VERGES

Marry, sir, our watch tonight, excepting your Worship’s

presence, ha’ ta’en a couple of as arrant knaves as any in

Messina.

VERGES

Sir, our watch tonight—expectfully, sir—has captured a couple of the worst criminals in Messina.

DOGBERRY

A good old man, sir. He will be talking. As they say, “When

the age is in, the wit is out.” God help us, it is a world to see!

Well said, i’ faith, neighbor Verges.—Well, God’s a good

man. An two men ride of a horse, one must ride behind. An

honest soul, i’ faith, sir, by my troth he is, as ever broke

bread, but God is to be worshipped, all men are not alike,

alas, good neighbor!

DOGBERRY

(to LEONATO) Verges is a good old man, sir, but he’s always babbling. Like they say, “When age comes, wit goes.” God help us, what a world! (to VERGES) You did well, Verges, honestly. (to LEONATO) Well, God’s a fair man. If two men are riding on one horse, one must naturally ride behind. Verges is as honest a man as any, but, God bless him, not all men are created equal. Am I right, my friend?

LEONATO

Indeed, neighbor, he comes too short of you.

LEONATO

Truly, my friend, he isn’t nearly as impressive as you are.

DOGBERRY

Gifts that God gives.

DOGBERRY

God gives those gifts—I had nothing to do with it.

LEONATO

I must leave you.

LEONATO

Now I must return to the wedding.

DOGBERRY

One word, sir. Our watch, sir, have indeed comprehended

two aspicious persons, and we would have them this

morning examined before your worship.

DOGBERRY

One more thing, sir. Our watch, sir, as you know, has comprehended two auspicious persons. We’d like for you to examine them this morning.

LEONATO

Take their examination yourself and bring it me. I am now

in great haste, as it may appear unto you.

LEONATO

Examine them yourselves, then bring me your findings. Now I’m in a great hurry, as I’m sure you can see.

DOGBERRY

It shall be suffigance.

DOGBERRY

That will be suffigance.

LEONATO

Drink some wine ere you go. Fare you well.

LEONATO

Have some wine before you go. Goodbye.

Enter a MESSENGER

A MESSENGER enters.

MESSENGER

My lord, they stay for you to give your daughter to her

husband.

MESSENGER

My lord, they’re waiting for you to give your daughter away to Claudio.

LEONATO

I’ll wait upon them. I am ready.

LEONATO

I’m coming.

Exeunt LEONATO andMESSENGER

LEONATO and theMESSENGER exit.

DOGBERRY

Go, good partner, go, get you to Francis Seacole. Bid him

bring his pen and inkhorn to the jail. We are now to

examination these men.

DOGBERRY

Go to Francis Seacole, the constable of the watch. Tell him to bring his pen and his inkwell to the jail. We will now go to examination these men.

VERGES

And we must do it wisely.

VERGES

We must do this wisely.

DOGBERRY

We will spare for no wit, I warrant you. Here’s that shall

drive some of them to a noncome. Only get the learned

writer to set down our excommunication and meet me at

the jail.

DOGBERRY

We won’t hold back any of our wisdom. We’ll drive them to a noncome. Go get the educated writer to record our excommunication, and I’ll meet you at the jail.

Exeunt

They all exit.